The truth

You want the truth?  The things doctors, counselors and teachers won't tell you.  That you have these letters and this handful of paper and no idea where life is going to go now.  No one tells you the really important stuff.  The things that you will experience that will set you apart from other families are the same things that make your family amazing. The things you struggle with are things some will not have a clue about.  That every day you have to be on the top of your game, that you don't get a "day off", that frequently it will seem like no one understands and has never been there.  That you have choices to make and they suck and are hard and people will judge you no matter what you choose.  That you can give voice to your life or live in total privacy and it will not matter ~ it will be extremely hard and people will judge you still. That even when you trust your child's doctor and want help, the best advice is textbook and "in theory" and often just not fricking practical.  That when you finally feel like you've gotten control of things IT WILL ALL CHANGE in the blink of an eye and you will be at the breaking point.  And that tomorrow is a new day.

My truth is ~ having a child with SPD & ADHD & ODD is no walk in the park.  Not even a fast sprinting kind of walk.  It is a frenzied blur of non stop movement with no destination nor end.  It is crashing and banging into and onto things.  It is loud and swirly and very rarely calm.  It is honestly riveting and excessively entertaining.  Until it is not and then it is what makes you break down and cry.  And trust me ~ crying is just part of things.

It is having a very warm little body next to you most nights of the week whose toes and legs never stop moving.  It is having food in the middle of the night often and then not going back to sleep ~ like a frat party but with less fun.  It is aggression and hard hugs.  It is running and lack of safety awareness causing strangers and loved ones to panic simultaneously.  It is smacky attitudes, lack of filter and eye rolling.

It is watching tv upside down and listening to loud music to "feel" the bass.  It is being frantic over things that don't matter and not caring about the things that do.  It is lack of time and place in time.  It is not having body awareness or empathy for when your body is out of control.  It is having a hot shower after a cold jump in the pool.  It is eating with your fingers at warp speed because a fork is just in the way and you must hurry because well there is something else to do or not.  It is lies and half truths and misinformation.  It is experiencing every part of life with ever sense you have ~ living large, loud and messy.

It is screaming because everything about life is structured and planned and independent abilities are cramped.  It is doing before you even think of thinking about it.  It is being done before you realize that it was not smart.  It is eating the things that may not be edible.  It is smelling strangers and standing to close.  It is sitting close to the action with no way to get away.  It is eating one brand of hotdogs on a divided plate with only ketchup and grapes every night for weeks and then suddenly not.  It is not eating.  It is wearing your clothes backward and inside out and not even caring.  It is playing in things that should not be played in.

It is not being able to hear because your fast focus was elsewhere and no where.  It is painful and exhausting.  It is yelling and crying.  And maniacal laughter.   It is the fact that no matter how many charts, picture clues and structure you provide in your house ~ it is the SAFE zone and your kid will be bat shit crazy.  It is a fact that no matter how firm, consistent and diligent you are, your child will melt down and act badly, make poor choices and drive you nuts because you are THE ONE they target, they are safe with and who loves them with out question.  It is locking your house like a prison/fortress to keep everyone safe.  It is always having the same shampoo, cleaners and laundry soap.  It is making the choice to give medication, go to therapy or not.

The hard truth is my special child is the most loving, kind little boy.  He is funny and creative.  He has abilities to do great things and I foster all of that.  The truth is I appreciate how hard it is to be inside this growing little wiggly body and I build support around for him.  The truth is that we have been doing this for 6 years and it is easy and hard.  The truth is that no matter what we do, we have meltdowns, yelling, crying quickly proceeded by utter joy and happiness.  The exhausting fact is that we are not perfect.  The truth is that sometimes we forget the most basic of things and we have to go back and remember that sensory things matter a great deal.  We have to look past the meltdown and see the amazing little boy under there and help him find a way.

The thing no one tells you is the days will be long, hard and so full of love you will find a way to make it to the next one.  Lock your fortress and kiss the wiggles... tomorrow is always a fresh day and we all get a fresh start.  It all re-sets tomorrow.