Disappearing child

My son is so stinking fast.  We came home, parked the car, I reached behind the seat for my purse & swim bag and he jumped out AND WAS GONE.  I thought he had headed to the front door.  Nope.  I put my things down on the porch (I never went in the house ~ we have done this before) and started calling his name.  GONE.  No answer.  I went back to car, looked in it and around it.  Nothing.  I looked in and around the truck.  NOTHING.  I ran back to front door screaming his name.  HE WAS GONE.  I had phone in my hand about to call for help as I was rushing back to the back yard.  The neighbor called my name and simply said "he is in our house".  WHAT THE HELL.

Seems that he had seen them pull in as we were and he rushed over to say hello before I even realized what direction he had gone and he went inside uninvited.  HOLY CRAP.  I was furious and relieved.  And freaked out AGAIN.  How many times does this have to happen to one mom.  The saying "God only gives you what you can handle" is a bunch of crap right now.  I have handled it and taken it and for crying out loud I need a freaking break.  (yes yes I am certain I will hear about that comment). 

My son just as fast as you can snap disappeared again today.  He was there, talking to me and then GONE.  This is not the first time.  Granted it has not happened in some time but it has happened.  I can recall each and every time.  These are the most frightening moments of my life.  Moments of sheer panic and terror.  Moments when my mind can not think straight all I want to know is WHERE IS MY CHILD.  Moments that happen often in my life.   Today I told him he better go inside our house before I spank him in front of the neighbors.  He looked at me like he had done NOTHING WRONG and said he wanted to go there because they have brothers..... WHAT THE HELL.... I honestly don't give a crap if they have brothers or flying monkeys...

So he sat in time out and I cried.  He had no idea why I was upset.  He lacks boundary control.  He lacks impulse control.  He has no sense of fear.  He has no stranger danger.  He is the friendliest kid with a warm caring heart.  He has a curious mind and is strong willed and grossly desires independence to try and do things.  He has no idea how freaked out I am.  How in the freaking world can I teach him to never do that.  To never go anyplace without telling me.  To not go inside homes unless I am at least aware of it.  I can I teach my son to have an impulse to think it is not safe when he doesn't understand what safe is? 

Then when I was cried out I just wanted to hug the little monster and he HATES me... hates me for putting him in time out and for crying and yelling.  Hates me for not letting him go to the neighbors.   He got his map and told me he was moving and showed me where on the map.  He got all his toys together and was packing his little backpack.  I asked him why he wanted to move and his simple answer was "because I hate you mommy".... Ah really... that is the best answer... fine.. hate me.  I am here to be your mom not your friend and my job is to keep you safe and loved and fed and loved and warm and loved and growing and loved. 

I am a good mom.  I was right there.  I was not on my phone or texting.  I was gathering our things up to go in the house.  I was right there with him.  I was listening and talking with him, not to him.  I was praising and encouraging.  I was agreeing to play and be outside.  And then he was gone.  I am thankful for the neighbors certainly.  But furious with my son and myself and with everything ~ because I was freaked out.  My tears can not make the whole mess undone.  I am not sure my nerves can take much more.

I apologized for crying and yelling at him.  We talked to him about why he can not run off.  Why he ALWAYS has to ask before he goes anywhere.  We have done this before, several times.  If it is a test, I fail. 

So as I go to sleep tonight I am upset that my son ran off and disappeared.  I am upset that he knows how to speak the hurtful words he spoke.  I wonder what I could do differently.  Honestly I have no freaking ideas.  I try it all.  I seek help.  I engage and entertain.  I talk and listen non stop. I try and try.  I allow some small margins of independence in other ways and then BLAM this happens and I feel like I want to yank all that away (even when it is not related).  I am home and this happens to me...  I just want to go in his room and hold him.... but to wake him means no sleep... so I just have to whisper "I love you....always".... and I am mad that I keep having these crap experiences.  Mad that weird just keeps getting in our home.  Mad that I am not sure how much more I can take..... Mad because our house is a fortress, my life a security stop and still I feel like we are not safe....