If you are just joining me....

Today I took my baby to kindergarten roundup.  I can not believe he is going to be 5 and going to kindergarten.  I am terrified that he will not do well in kindergarten.  I pull out all the stops and get him the help and resources he needs but every day is like a shot in the bucket. 

Sensory processing disorder touches our lives.  It in fact is the way we live.  How did we get here... when Espen turned 3 we saw the pediatrician we had been seeing since he turned one and I had a list of odd things and behaviors.  I felt (knew) like he was not like other kids.  I had been telling her for 2 years already and I was made to feel like I was over reacting.  UM NO.  I left that appoi

ntment in tears with a little boy who was as cute as a button but could not handle simple tasks, was failing preschool, who ate everything, who could not go to the grocery store with me and who preferred to be naked and covered in mud no matter what the season.  I was out of my wits with concerns and questions and problems. 

I stumbled into Pediatric Therapy Center, literally walked in crying.  I was so desperate for some help for my little boy and I had no place to turn.  The kindest person helped me figure out how to get an appointment and we were in to see them for an assessment.  And suddenly SOMEONE listened to me.  Someone who did not tell me he was just being a boy.  He whipped around in that gym as fast as his little legs could carry him and it was ok.  It was here that we learned about sensory processing disorder.  We started going to PTC 3 times a week.  Then I read all the information I could find and asked millions of questions.  I sat quietly in the therapy gym watching what they did with my child so we could do it at home.  I invested hundreds into sensory equipment for home.  I try everything. 

My child has sensory processing disorder.  He looks just like every other little boy his age.  The information his brain receives from all his senses is not organized or processed into the right response.  He does not feel pain very well.  He smells things I never detect.  He hears better than I ever could.  The slightest touch of clothing or hands bother him.  He eats weird things.  He crashes into things with reckless abandon because for him it feels great.  He does not get dizzy.  He struggles to hold a pencil.  The list can go on.  Basically he is constantly seeking making him appear wild, unruly, naughty, unfocused.  His brain is wired differently and he needs help learning how to process the information he is getting from all those sensations.  Thankfully we have found a therapy center we love. 

The changes in Espen over the last year have been amazing.  Sitting and watching it looks like fantastic play.  He gets to use all kinds of amazing equipment and play circus like games.  He draws and writes and then jumps and swings.  It is great fun and he never complains about going.  It is occupational therapy and it has helped my child be able to hold his spoon and feed himself, put his shoes on and tie them, write his name and other letters and numbers.  He gains an understanding of hard and soft touches and listening to his body to know fast and slow. 

We do similar activities at home. We have a swing and scooter board and trampolines.  He has more ride on toys than a toy store.  He takes a bath when he wants to not just at night.  We have climbing things inside and outside.  We build and jump and crash.  He swims as often as we can both with me and at Swimtastic where he has taken lessons for two years.  They are amazing and help him be social and appropriate and in the water safely.  He takes a yoga class taught by an occupational therapist so he can get a greater understanding of his body and breathing.  He is in a specialized preschool so he can get some boost up for next year. 

I surround Espen with opportunities and try to be just like every other family.  I expose him and sometimes we fail and sometimes we find something he likes.  I apologize when necessary and I cry when overwhelmed.  Our family is like one little sensory road show!  I spend time and money doing the things that work for my child.  I listen and I learn so that I can help Espen.

So as my child approaches an age milestone I am both happy and terrified.  I am not sure how he will manage in kindergarten.  I am terrified that it will be overwhelming and we will find him struggling along.  But I am certain we will find the tools we need to help and we will wildly face a new day learning how to be one sensational kid! 

Disappearing child

My son is so stinking fast.  We came home, parked the car, I reached behind the seat for my purse & swim bag and he jumped out AND WAS GONE.  I thought he had headed to the front door.  Nope.  I put my things down on the porch (I never went in the house ~ we have done this before) and started calling his name.  GONE.  No answer.  I went back to car, looked in it and around it.  Nothing.  I looked in and around the truck.  NOTHING.  I ran back to front door screaming his name.  HE WAS GONE.  I had phone in my hand about to call for help as I was rushing back to the back yard.  The neighbor called my name and simply said "he is in our house".  WHAT THE HELL.

Seems that he had seen them pull in as we were and he rushed over to say hello before I even realized what direction he had gone and he went inside uninvited.  HOLY CRAP.  I was furious and relieved.  And freaked out AGAIN.  How many times does this have to happen to one mom.  The saying "God only gives you what you can handle" is a bunch of crap right now.  I have handled it and taken it and for crying out loud I need a freaking break.  (yes yes I am certain I will hear about that comment). 

My son just as fast as you can snap disappeared again today.  He was there, talking to me and then GONE.  This is not the first time.  Granted it has not happened in some time but it has happened.  I can recall each and every time.  These are the most frightening moments of my life.  Moments of sheer panic and terror.  Moments when my mind can not think straight all I want to know is WHERE IS MY CHILD.  Moments that happen often in my life.   Today I told him he better go inside our house before I spank him in front of the neighbors.  He looked at me like he had done NOTHING WRONG and said he wanted to go there because they have brothers..... WHAT THE HELL.... I honestly don't give a crap if they have brothers or flying monkeys...

So he sat in time out and I cried.  He had no idea why I was upset.  He lacks boundary control.  He lacks impulse control.  He has no sense of fear.  He has no stranger danger.  He is the friendliest kid with a warm caring heart.  He has a curious mind and is strong willed and grossly desires independence to try and do things.  He has no idea how freaked out I am.  How in the freaking world can I teach him to never do that.  To never go anyplace without telling me.  To not go inside homes unless I am at least aware of it.  I can I teach my son to have an impulse to think it is not safe when he doesn't understand what safe is? 

Then when I was cried out I just wanted to hug the little monster and he HATES me... hates me for putting him in time out and for crying and yelling.  Hates me for not letting him go to the neighbors.   He got his map and told me he was moving and showed me where on the map.  He got all his toys together and was packing his little backpack.  I asked him why he wanted to move and his simple answer was "because I hate you mommy".... Ah really... that is the best answer... fine.. hate me.  I am here to be your mom not your friend and my job is to keep you safe and loved and fed and loved and warm and loved and growing and loved. 

I am a good mom.  I was right there.  I was not on my phone or texting.  I was gathering our things up to go in the house.  I was right there with him.  I was listening and talking with him, not to him.  I was praising and encouraging.  I was agreeing to play and be outside.  And then he was gone.  I am thankful for the neighbors certainly.  But furious with my son and myself and with everything ~ because I was freaked out.  My tears can not make the whole mess undone.  I am not sure my nerves can take much more.

I apologized for crying and yelling at him.  We talked to him about why he can not run off.  Why he ALWAYS has to ask before he goes anywhere.  We have done this before, several times.  If it is a test, I fail. 

So as I go to sleep tonight I am upset that my son ran off and disappeared.  I am upset that he knows how to speak the hurtful words he spoke.  I wonder what I could do differently.  Honestly I have no freaking ideas.  I try it all.  I seek help.  I engage and entertain.  I talk and listen non stop. I try and try.  I allow some small margins of independence in other ways and then BLAM this happens and I feel like I want to yank all that away (even when it is not related).  I am home and this happens to me...  I just want to go in his room and hold him.... but to wake him means no sleep... so I just have to whisper "I love you....always".... and I am mad that I keep having these crap experiences.  Mad that weird just keeps getting in our home.  Mad that I am not sure how much more I can take..... Mad because our house is a fortress, my life a security stop and still I feel like we are not safe....

Locker room

Last week at one of our many trips to the pool I had a situation arise that has had me thinking for a week.  Espen is 4.  There are very few places I will allow him to use the restroom without me being at least in the same vicinity. Most of the time I make him use the ladies room and allow him in the stall unassisted but I am right there.  Sure you may be thinking GEESH WOMAN GIVE HIM SOME ROOM.  Let me assure you I know my child.  

Until recently, my child, played in everything - water in sink, toilet, toilet paper, soap, towels.  He locks stalls and crawls under.  He has totally undressed and come out stark naked.  Heaven forbid you (a total stranger) use a stall next to him because he will just crawl in there and chat with you - all of this has happened to me.  Even when we are with Doug he uses the ladies room because urinals are a whole different set of germs and questions and discussions (with dad and strangers).  Outhouses are my enemy if you can imagine why...

When I take him to the pool for lessons or to swim with him I do not allow him in the locker room alone.  Swim lessons we are the only ones there so I can use the boy locker room for training grounds.  I try to let him in there alone and usually I just end up with him.  He plays and does not think things through very well. But I let him try and we are in a safe place that I can go into.  The public pool however is a whole different adventure!  For starters, it has two exits so there is no chance I will let him in the boy locker room alone.  I will never find him!  He is young and cute and lacks stranger danger (worst nightmare).  He is curious about how things work and it would not surprise me if he jammed a roll of toilet paper into the sink to stop it up just because he could.  I could list 300 other reasons why I will not let him go and change alone. 

Let me remind you HE IS FOUR. 

At the pool last week, we swam together.  I swim and play with him.  We both have to change to come home being it is the artic here.  Into the girls locker room we go as we do each time we go to the pool.  I keep it FAST and we change and get out.  On this particular day there was an aqua class about to happen so women were getting ready and a mom (who had not swam) with 4/5 year old daughter whom she was helping to change back to street clothes. 

As I was rushing to get dressed and help Espen, all the ladies just ignored us because I work really hard at keeping his attention on me so he is less curious about anyone else.  It is exhausting.  But the mom with the little girl made very loud comments to her daughter to keep covered up a boy was watching, that it was no place for a boy, that boys belong with the men... to the point of annoying and frustrating me.  My son could not even see the little girl.  So I rushed us out of there, wet hair and shoes in hand that I put on in the lobby thinking the whole time about it.  (Three days later I have a terrible head cold)!

Would that same mom send her daughter into the ladies locker room to change alone (didn't seem so)?  Would she send her 4/5 year old son into the men's locker room to change?  I would totally use a family locker room if one were available.  There is a restroom near by but it is for the gym area as well and seems odd to take a wet child into it.  Where and what exactly should I do with my small little boy who is not able to go alone?

It was super frustrating.  I know there will come a day when I will have to send him in alone and pray that he will not do anything ridiculous.  That day is pretty far off still.  I know my son.  Please excuse us and don't judge me when my son comes into a ladies restroom with me. I am a mom who knows he is only 4 and just not ready for it.  I do my absolute best to keep him focused and we rush in and out.  It is the best I can do.  I apologize if a little boy makes you uncomfortable.  He could care less about body parts.  He is more curious about a million other things (like the locks, getting into the lockers, putting on shoes that are laying there and pestering me 400 times if I have any money for the candy machine).  I can assure you however, that if you draw attention to him, he will look and make some comments in your direction.  I just don't know about people sometimes......