Being "enough" at bedtime....

Tonight it is one of those nights where it does not seem as if I am "enough"... I did not play enough, do enough and love enough.  I may have yelled enough and been frazzled enough but I don't feel like I am enough mom.

It happens at bed time that I feel this.  Because at bedtime all sort of holy hell breaks loose.

Sleep is a real struggle in our household.  I've blogged about it many times.  Of late it is even more challenging.  Espen has taken to just playing rough games with me when I try to read.  I have walked out, waited, yelled, bribed and nothing has helped ~ not even days of not reading have helped him discover what I mean.  And those days when I was firm and just walked out to not read, it takes a long time for him to fall asleep, and most typically, he wakes in the night (which means I am awake also).  It is becoming regular that our "routine" for getting him in bed takes over an hour.  This is after a shower and snack... this is just time in his room, in the bed ~ he fights sleep.  Over an hour each night one of us sits with him (usually it is Doug).  He pushes bedtime to past 9 most nights and I think he needs more sleep, not less.

Tonight I was not "enough" and just emotional which made me cry.  Hugging him close to me I cried.  He patted my hair and promised he would just try to be better and I assured him he is perfect the way he is.  I then explained in whispers through my tears, that mom is really having a hard time with bedtime.  He is perfect.  I cried because at that moment I just felt like I am not "enough".  And my beautiful son held on.  He held on to me and told me he just wants to stay home and hug me.  He held onto me and told me he does not like going anywhere, does not like school, does not like anything because it is all to much.  He held on and said he can not go to sleep because he has to be ready then for the next day.  He is 6 and he holds on to his day so he does not face the next one.

And that 6 year old little boys words just made me cry even more.  Because there I am not feeling like I am "enough" mom and he is wild because he doesn't want the day to end and he is stressed.  There must be a medium ground.  None of us need to feel at night that we are full of stress and angst.  We need to feel like we can face the morning and the night with some ease.  I felt my job was to teach him how to reach bedtime alone so he can be rested for any new life adventures... bedtime is not the demon, but the passage to what lies ahead.  And that is the problem... for my child, what lies ahead is the demon.

The struggle is real.  It is real hard.  This is real life and we will find a way and figure it out so that our bedtime and our morning is equally smooth in passing.  I'm "enough" ... I just have not found the right key for this door.