Spring Concert ~ Social Anxiety

We finally have figured out what is the next thing....  For our family things started out fairly "normal" and then we started having things happen, noticing huge differences and our world slowly started to exclude more people than it included.  Our first diagnosis was SPD, followed by ADHD, ODD and high functioning autism... on the radar that we can't rule out is learning disabilities, obsessive compulsive and anxiety disorders... 

He really wanted to join martial arts and we did.  He did great for the first month. Then there was a program and he got his orange belt.  It was at the auditorium. Lots of people.  He sat with the students and went on stage.  He never complained but had a terrible melt down afterward at home, had wet pants and slept with me for a few days.  He never wanted to go back.  So we have since stopped and paid it off, never to return and he is quite happy. 

He has not wanted to go shopping for any reason.  Not to any store.  I got him to the store this week because I gave him an afternoon dose of medication and he was in disguise (wearing a hard hat, sunglasses and super hero cape).  But he wet his pants and had a terrible night with very little sleep. 

Last night was the kindergarten/first grade spring concert.  I took him early from school and we went to therapy.  We relaxed in the sun and had a good dinner.  Then for over 2 hours I had to listen and calm the giant struggle that ensued.  Doug got home at the tail end of the struggles and was flabbergasted with what was happening.  He often only hears me recount the tales and doesn't' see first hand the drama.

Under absolutely NO circumstance did Espen want to go to the concert.  NOT AT ALL. 

I finally figured it out.  My beautiful, social little boy is really not that social... He has terrible social anxiety.  His fear of large crowd, strangers watching him and a new place were driving him crazy.  His fear of these situations is worsening.  He had wet pants.  A tear streaked face.  He was running wildly and screaming.  Crashing at me and into things.  He was fearful and anxious about the situation and did not want to go.  I was near the point of just texting his teacher and excusing him from the night.

But I put on my 'smart mom hat'... I offered him a disguise.  I offered him an opportunity to go as a spy.  Wear the spy gear, gloves, secret agent stuff.  Dress nice, comb your hair and wear sunglasses like a secret spy.  I offered to wear invisible walkie talkies so he could communicate with me in secret.  I offered him the chance to sit with me in the audience and watch and make sure there were no suspects in the crowd OR he could go back stage and provide safety to his classmates and I would watch from the audience.  We decided dad would be ready at a moments notice to get us out of there if it looked like the "bad guys" were getting close. 

This is how I got my child to the auditorium.  I wiped off his tear streaked face.  Helped him put dry pants on and a nice spy shirt (like daddy).  I helped gather up the spy gear and I even carried a black bag with all the stuff in it (as I explained he had to have his hands free but we needed to sneak the gear inside the building).  With just a few minutes to get myself ready, I grabbed a pair of jeans off the dirty clothes pile, took my pony out of the hair and did the best I could with it, put on a clean shirt and we were off.....  I was exhausted.  And really not sure it was going to work.  But it was the best thing I could come up with... a chance to go, to be brave (spy's are really brave) and to participate on any level, from any place in the auditorium. 

Thankfully he saw his classmates and his mind focused on them and less on the anxiety.  His teacher was not far and probably provided something he could really focus on that was safe.  He was able to stand on stage and sing and participate and he appeared in control and managing himself.  I was so proud of him.  Proud not because he was singing but because I know how hard social anxiety is and he did it. 

He had a safety gadget in his pocket.  He had wet pants when I picked him up.  He was frantic on the way home.  He cried and crashed and lost control.  And we rode the wave of emotions all over again but this time because he held it together and just couldn't do it anymore.  When we put him to bed we told him just how thankful we were that he tried.  We told him what we enjoyed and we left the rest off. 

At the end of my night, while I lay there listening to the quiet in the house, I realized social anxieties are what we are about to come face to face with.  Like an angry dragon rearing its fire breathing jaws at me... my son will face anxiety about crowds, strangers, new places....  It won't always end so well and I may not always be able to find a solution.  The incidents over the last 4 months, separately have not lead us to this point, but combined lead us to believe this is what is next. 

While it will be so much easier for us to just be home bodies and not try things, I will continue to do my best to help him be able to experience the world.  But we won't do it my way... we will do it his way. We may be spies or super heros or dinosaurs but we will do our best!  We may have to leave early.  We may look like we just battled a tweedle beetle... We will do our best and it will be good enough.