Fresh Days....

Several things happened today....
I learned that Espen may have been pushing one of his friends last week. (for which I am very sorry)
Espen had an issue at school today playing with a naked baby doll and naming the correct body parts for the kids.  And when asked he lied about what he was doing. (he knows the right words for the right things but should not talk about this at school) 
I chatted with the moms about unhappy issues with the teachers.
I chatted with the teacher about the issues with my child.
I cried. 

And that leads me here.... 

It is nice to vent some frustrations and be heard by like minded people.  It is good to address the concerns with the right people and resolve the issues in appropriate ways.  It is good to move on and trust that the things are as they should be.  

Last year Espen was deemed "the bad kid".  Every day I heard about all the bad and terrible behaviors.  We didn't have play dates.  We didn't get invited places.  I had to keep on doing my best to be upbeat and positive about learning.  And he struggled.  He hated school.  He cried every morning to stay home.  Each day I helped him start with a clean slate and go do his best.  I encouraged him to try.  I found therapy.  I changed his diet.  I did everything I possibly could.  And still he was "bad".  No one wanted to know us.  I made our life fun when school wasn't. 

We started this year fresh.  New teachers.  New school.  New opportunity to start each day with a good attitude doing the best we can. It was a transition for me to leave him every day!  He made friends and we play a lot with his friends!  He is happy, confident and comfortable.  He loves going to school.  Just as much as he loves having his friends over to play!  We see that he is learning.  Even when he comes home every day and says he played (or did nothing) I watch him write his name or sing a song or open a book.  He points out tree rings and buildings and letters and numbers. I know he is learning. 

I want to be actively involved in his education. I email and speak to the teachers.  I read what comes home in the back pack (sometimes a day late).  I volunteer at the school.  I have lunch with him once a week.  I am present for my child.  I am also present for the teachers.  I have to trust that each day issues will be handled in the best interest of all the children.  I realize that each year as he gets older I will know less and less so I am bracing myself for that.  In the mean time I am preparing him for success by letting him learn to trust another adults, to enjoy learning and to know mommy is involved in the school in other ways. 

Every day is a new day.  I may have issues, questions, problems and concerns that I need to address today, but tomorrow should be a fresh new day.  Each day I pray for the world to be kind to my child and forgive him for what may happen and I need to do that too.  If I carry the frustration and concern day to day, I effectively teach my child to do that as well.  Every day we start fresh and we just do our very best in that moment.  Try to learn, try to be good friends, try to be in control of our emotions, try to be kind, try to resolve hard things immediately, try to pee in the toilet... each day we just try... and if we can't make it each day, we need to just focus on an hour.  But we need to try. 

Today I addressed my concerns about Espens behavior the last couple days with the teacher.  I am afraid he is bullying the kids.  I cried.  I accepted the information and shared my issue.  I trust that issues at school are handled because it is a learning environment and that if things are bigger we will all deal with them. Because ultimately, we are a team helping this little person figure out how to BE in this world.  I will not know every detail of his day but I will be involved in all the ways I can be.  I have to let my little boy grow up. 

I have to be this person so that I can teach my son how to be a kind, strong, smart young man. 

SPD reminder to mommy

Just when I think I have it all down, that I am on top of the sensory ball so to speak, something happens and I have to pull out the books and read something or look to the internet for some "answers" or I just rant & sound like a lunatic.  And sometimes I cry.  Because I am upset that I can't figure it out and that I am hard on my child when I should have known. 

Tonight after a long day first at work then volunteering with the food co-op, I was on edge when we went for pizza.  After 45 minutes with a wiggling child who kept kicking me, was loud and just didn't listen I was ready to go.  Honestly felt badly because we were with some very kind folks and we were celebrating the "reading" accomplishments!  I tried to "manage" my child.  I tried and tried.  I even forced him to go to the restroom when we remembered he had not gone for a long time and he won't tell us when he has to go, he just doesn't know, feel it or care.  I reminded him repeatedly to talk softer, wiggle less and not jump around.  I held his hand when oddly he got super upset.  I moderated his behavior while trying to engage in meaningful conversations with others. 

We left and I cried.  I am that mom who sometimes feels like she is just not doing enough to figure it out.  That this little boy rules the house and he is naughty and not a sensory kid.  That all the things I hear all the time about how I am as a mom (be firmer, spank more, punish, take away.... )and how he is as a little boy (just a boy, typical, bad, naughty little thing) are simply true.  I cried. 

When I talked to Espen and asked him why he thought he was in trouble all evening his response ... "because mommy I was just wild and you don't like me".... Then I cried some more.  I hugged him, told him I loved him beyond measure and that I was just unhappy with how he behaved.  I assured him tomorrow was a new day... it is. 

Then Doug told me how I was missing it.  That the place we were at is loud.  Two TV's flashing mutely in the corners on different channels.  Telephones ringing constantly and people talking. No other diners but many people none the less. The sight, smell & sound of his friend being sick.   Lots of smells from the kitchen.  People coming in and out of the kitchen and door picking up orders.  Eleven people sitting together for one meal.  Lots of food, smells and sounds on and around the table.  I stopped to listen to him tell me what I was missing and I imagined all those things that I was not bothered by.  I am not bothered.  My little son is. 

We know his nose works overtime and he smells things I can't imagine.  We know his ears are acutely sensitive and he hears things said in normal tones across spaces.  We know he is over stimulated easily by the flashing TV.  We know he is attuned to the pitch of voices and ringing of phones and some are annoying to him.  Somehow I just didn't think about all these things because my insistence that he experience regular outings rings strong in me.  I want him to do the things other people do. 

As I sit here quietly looking at a sensory book and WebMD I am reminded that for my amazing little boy, the world is not what it is for me.  His responses are not sometimes what you would expect and sometimes I have to change the way I think.  And tomorrow when the dark circles appear under his eyes or he crawls in bed to snuggle tonight or holds his fuzzy bear longer than a typical day I be reminded that the evening of pizza with his pals is totally overwhelming to his senses.  I will be reminded that no matter how much I admonish him or remind him, when his senses start being overwhelmed, his responses don't always jive with my desires.  But try we must so that he can have these experiences and on a good day mommy won't be flustered from the start and we can do our best to find some coping skills. 

Is it a school day?

Last year preschool was a disaster.  It was flat out a disaster. He had issues with every aspect from fine motor, wiggles and making friends.  The teacher never cared to speak to the therapists and neglected to accept the information I gave her about the sensory needs of my little boy.  Because he was in trouble so often and the other parents saw the teacher always talking to me, he was never invited to play with anyone and all my invites went unmet.  Needless to say, we should have pulled him out but we tried.  And that attempt took the eager willingness to learn right out of him. 

I worked to get Espen into the public school preschool and had great amounts of trepidation about it.  I took him to the new school.  We met the teacher.  We talked about a new place and new chances.  We talked about a school and a teacher with resources to do things that will make it fun for Espen to learn.  We talked about kids he could play with and make friends with.  We talked about being able to be invited to play.  He slowly started to look forward to the new school and a new chance.

He had some rough days at the start.  He was rough with his new friends.  He was extremely wiggly.  He came home several days upset that the teachers would think he was a "bad kid" when he had hard times.  I assured him repeatedly that each day was a new day.  That this new school forgives the mistakes of yesterday and starts each day fresh.  The teachers and the children would be kind and forgiving and help him with his sensory needs. 

We just had Espen's parent teacher conference.  It was nice to have his teacher come over and see his space and visit.  He is doing well!  My greatest fear was that he was not learning and was disruptive.  He is LEARNING.  He is kind and mannered.  He listens.  He is learning to ask for a break when he needs one.  He is getting the sensory input he needs when he needs it!  I am so proud of him. 

There of course are hard days.  There are days when he is in trouble for hitting or doing silly things.  But every day he wakes up ready to go to school  Every day he looks forward to the friends and the teachers.  Every day he is excited to be part of the school. 

And I am proud.  I am proud of him for doing his best and trying.  I am proud he is starting to recognize the needs when he has them.  I am thrilled the teacher helps him along.  That these hours I give my son to her, she is kind and encouraging of the learning process. 

While I may have issues with one thing or another, I must keep in mind that these are my issues not Espen's.  I may have concerns and some days be down right upset but that it is because I am an adult and have a completely different view on the situation.  I have dealt with the problems head on and can let them go so that each day is a new day and a fresh start.  When new problems arise, I will justly and calmly face those as well.  Just like I hope they do for Espen, I will do for them.  Espen loves to go to school and loves the class and that is what matters. 

I love that he is having so much fun!  "Is it a school day?" is his excited question most every day... because on those days there must be some great adventure before him!

12 things I let my sensory son do

It is getting to be HOLIDAY mode for so many of us.  The baking, the buying, the hustle & bustle.  Last week I was shopping for dishwasher soap at COSTCO with Espen, he is such a sensory seeker that some days I just don't even know what direction we will go in.  On this particular day, he was talking about the speed of light and climbing in and out of the shopping cart.  In one funny instant, I realized that I let him do things that most parents do not allow. 

Some of the things I let him do are just "typical" kid things that our fast paced society just forgot were fun for kids.  Some of the things I allow because it no longer seems like a battle I need to have.  Some things I let him do because I see the joy and peace it brings him.  So, in no particular order, are the things we allow....

#1  We let him eat with his fingers and stand at the table.  Of course some nights it drives me nuts because, like most everyone, I was raised to sit quietly and eat using the utensils.  But after battles, I decided it is just not one I want to keep having.  Espen has a hard time sitting and an equally hard time using utensils.  The fact of the matter is that we want him to feed himself.  And to try.  So we strongly encourage sitting and using a fork or spoon but if he is eating and getting the food to go down without "cheeking" it then we are half way there!  And really is it so bad to stand while you eat? 

#2  I allow him to RUN (like a wildly out of control urchin) in shopping centers.  Imagine a long customer free isle at Target or Menard's.  It is slick and smooth and wide!  Imagine the joy of running headlong down that isle and sliding on your stomach or knees!  Espen does not imagine it but he does it.  It is the perfect way to burn off some energy and feel the hard cold ground.  It is a good way to find your balance.  It feels great to come to a screeching halt and just as good to fly down the isle.  I know my son can not sit or walk next to me.  I know he has little impulse control and will touch nearly everything.  Running down the isle keeps him in my vision, happy and from touching stuff.  And if you run over him with a shopping cart, well he will look out next time and keep right on going. 

#3  I let him climb fences, walls, trees, slides.  I let him climb as high as he can get.  I let him get up there and feel the strength he needed to get there and the brain power he needed to figure it out.  I let him balance on tight spots because he thinks he can.  And if he should fall, well he falls.  I am near and can help if he asks.  He can figure out how to get up, he can figure out how to get down.  Balance.  My son can climb a tree as easily as he can use two bare feet to scoot up the wall in the hallway.  It is oddly amazing.  I want him to know that there is a limit to his ability and the best way for him to know is to feel what he can do. 

#4  We let him get dirty.  At the park or the back yard.  Getting dirty is part of being a kid!  I am always upset when I hear a parent at the park tell the children "don't get dirty"... HUH??  I take him to the park to play and we sometimes get messy.  Oh sure I have been at the park after a rain storm and the mud field called to him when I was not ready to have mud all over.  But the joy of being wet, muddy and cold were awesome to my little boy.  So we get dirty.

#5  He is 4+ and still uses a pacifier (B-B) at night (and if he is really stressed, during the day).  I don't care... he fixates on oral sensations and chews the wrong thing at night if he doesn't have it.  It stresses him out.  Maybe his teeth will be crooked or some other problems later but heck he may have had trouble without one.  This B-B makes his night time routine much smoother.  He will give it up when the time is right.

#6  We discourage but allow Espen to sleep with us.  For over 2 years he had great sleeping habits and stayed in his bed.  Then it became "necessary" for him to crawl in the bed next to me in the middle of the night and snuggle.  The battle to put him back often kept us all awake for hours.  A growth spurt made him hungry most nights so we were awake having snacks.  I bribe him now.  He gets $1 every night he sleeps in his bed.  We keep them taped to a piece of paper in the kitchen with a goal.  When he reaches that goal amount, he can go spend his money.  I don't take money from him for any infraction.  Honestly it takes him a LONG time to reach even the smallest goal.  He rarely needs food these days in the middle of the night but he does need that sensory input of my arm on him, my smell, my warmth.  And as strange as it sounds, if we can all get some sleep, then he can stay. 

#7  We make every attempt to put shoes and jackets on in cold weather but sometimes he just won't have it.  I don't think being outside in the cold will automatically make one sick so I just let it go.  Some days the battle is not worth it and I'd rather him go outside barely dressed and feel the sensations of the cold then to not allow him to go because he won't get "properly" dressed. 

#8  I let him drink coffee & coke... not a lot... not every day.  But he loves to get a coffee with me and he drinks it.  He loves to have coke with daddy.  Will the caffeine and sugar make him any more "wild"?  I highly doubt it.  If I can sit and encourage him to sip a hot coffee with mommy while eating a muffin... why not?  I have accomplished 2 things... sitting and eating!  And then we deal with what happens next!

#9  I encourage Espen to SPLASH!  He can splash in puddles or the pool but never in the tub!  I am that mom who takes her son to the pool nearly daily in the summer and super frequently in the winter.  He takes swim lessons.  The water feels really good to him.  He swims like a rock star (thanks to the great teachers he has had).  I am all for splashing in the pool.  I am that mom who splashes him repeatedly in the pool.  It is what the pool is for!  Giant splashes!  I am also the first one to put on rain coats and rain boots and go splash in puddles after or during a rain.  Splash & jump.  Get wet & muddy!  Feel the water falling on you!  But please do not splash in the tub or I will loose my mind.  I hate cleaning up the floor and walls when the splashing occurs.  Not that we take calm baths, because we don't.  But we don't do the wave splashes in the tub!!

#10  We let him blow noisy things.  He has whistles, horns, a real trombone.  We let him blow things to make noise.  Blowing is a good thing for him.  It makes him use those lungs and take deep breath.  Noise is fun!  He is a kid.  Kids should make noises.  I think it is amazing to see my little boy blow notes on a trombone.  I think it is annoying to have him blow a whistle.  But for a kid who complains about weird sounds it is fine for him to experience the noises he is making. 

#11  We let him watch Netflix on the ipad.  Yes sometimes more then the "recommended" amount.  Sometimes it bothers me.  Yet my son is ACTIVE from the moment he wakes until the moment he is fasts asleep.  No naps.  Little down time.  So if he wants to sit with the ipad for an hour and watch some cartoon or kid program upside down then I let him.  Sometimes I sit with him.  Sometimes I do laundry or other things!  His little body needs a break from motion and we have yet to discover something that will give that break to him like the ipad will. 

#12  We let him bake things.  Espen is not a super great eater.  I enjoy baking and cooking.  He loves to "help".  He can help and often the mess is bigger then the project.  But he can taste things (even if they are raw).  He can feel things.  He can measure and pour.  All of these are just as great as writing with a pencil. Sometimes this means we have to take a break to smear cool whip on the windows or clean an egg up off the floor.  But all these are great things too.... and who doesn't like to ice skate on the kitchen floor!  It is not always about the finished product but in the process it takes to get there!

I'd love to hear how you allow your child to do things that are not really acceptable norms for us these days.  I am quite certain there are about 12 more that I let him do that are not listed!