Still learning

The stinging looks.  The harsh whispers of “my kid would not act that way”.  The quiet inquiries of “who acted up”.  The avoidance of eye contact and the rushed goodbyes.  Everyone already knows.  They know it was my kid.  When the bad happens, somehow my kid is involved either directly or indirectly.

Do you really think I “let” my child behave so terribly?  Do you think I encourage or tolerate?  Do you really think we have not punished, corrected, made him apologize, removed from situations?  And we continue to do so.  We also continue to show up.  We continue to try.  We continue to take responsibility and show him how to be responsible.  We continue to support our child.  We continue to learn what makes him tick and what makes him succeed.

At midnight last night I dug out my ADHD pile of books (yea, real books on the subject.  I have many of them and I have read them all, marked in them so I can best help my child).  ADHD is not an excuse. It is our way of life ~ one I am very open about. If Espen had a leg missing, you would never question me when I tell you he can’t run very fast, but he can get there.  If he wore his glasses you would not question me when I say he can’t see that until he gets his glasses.  With ADHD everything becomes a question, an excuse and the assumption is that he is just a real bad kid and we are extremely bad parents.  Far from it.

Let me share some information with you....

“ADHD is a medical disorder in which a particular part of the brain - one responsible for self-management - isn’t functioning as well as it could.” - MINDFUL PARENTING FOR ADHD

“ADHD undermines the ability to sustain engagement, particularly with activities that require ongoing cognitive effort or long-term planning.” - MINDFUL PARENTING FOR ADHD

“Very simplistically, the ADHD brain craves to be stimulated, due to deficiencies or developmental issues.  That is why children are so easily distracted or appear to be hyperactive.  These are the ways the brain is attempting to get the stimulation it needs.” - RAISING BOYS WITH ADHD

When a situation, late in the evening, takes place, understand that his behavior will break down (sometimes rapidly) when the demands placed on him exceed his ability to complete it.  Understand he will feed into hyper energies and go to the next level because his ability to pull it back is slower than his ability to ramp it up.  Understand that I have already given him medication throughout the day and the late evenings are extreme to medicate for (and while I can do it, not exactly doctor recommended because of the other side effects).  Understand that he is not bad, he is impulsive.

Nothing hurts more than being completely open about our life and still feeling like ADHD is a shameful secret that can be beaten out of him, controlled with better discipline or just an excuse for a terrible child.  There is never a moment when we are not working on something with our child.  We work on accepting, including, understanding and being the best we can be ~ do you?

Today is a new day.  We have a fresh opportunity to try again.  It is the best any of us can ask for.