Terror or terrible

My child is amazing.  Let me make that clear from the start.  He is who he is and I love him for that little boy.  He is my wish... the one I wished years for... he is that little boy.  Beyond a doubt, I adore and love him. 

I do not however like or even enjoy the wicked wild behaviors.  Those behaviors irritate and infuriate me.  I won't lie.  It is incredibly hard.  The horrible moments happen fast and are often extreme.  He can be laughing happy child one moment and evil beast screaming and crashing the next.  It is exhausting and hard to keep track of.  The earlier or later we get in the day, the more active we have been throughout the day, the amount of sleep we may have had, his food / water consumption all play giant roles in the swings.  And sadly, from all I have asked, all I have read they are "NORMAL" behaviors for a child like mine.

I am talking about the moods that are farthest from the medication.  Either before he takes it or as they wear out of him.  For us, at this moment in time, the medication helps him to be a fairly even tempered little boy and as long as the boundaries and expectations are very clear, the day is structured and his calorie consumption is monitored he does fantastic.  The wicked behaviors are outside of that.  They are what we would have on any given non-medicated day. 

For me, his mom, it is draining, frustrating and horrible.  I feel confusion and sadness when I just can not seem to do anything that will make it right.  I don't try to fix him or the situation but I do have to manage, monitor, correct and redirect.  There are moments in our day when I find myself yelling at him just so he can hear me.  Yelling to get his attention, to make a point, to simply be heard in the chaos of our life.  Yelling makes me feel like an incredibly horrible mom. 

While in that moment of yelling I absolutely hate the issue and fiercely love my child.  And it absolutely sucks.  This is the part of being a parent in a special needs house that no one wants to hear about. 

There are moments when it is horrible.  There is yelling and screaming and tantrums are thrown.  There are times when the behavior, the issue, the exhaustion are all overwhelming to everyone.  There are moments when we yell and scream and crash because in that instant, it is all we can do.  These are not the moods or tantrums of a spoiled little boy trying to get his way... this is something more.  This is violent and assaulting and harsh and ugly.  This is the stuff no one wants to hear about but the stuff that happens. 

There are times when we cry together after I have run after him, caught him thrashing his little body around, tackled him to stillness and let him kick his little legs into mine.  There are moments when I walk away from the yelling only to be drawn back to it and end up yelling myself.  There are times I have managed to get him into his room to hear anything not nailed down crashing down.  There are times I sit next to him with silent tears sliding down my face as he cries and tells me is not good enough. 

These are the things no one talks about.  The hard, miserable moments.  The moments of gut wrenching terror that so often accompanies our day.  The anxiety of knowing it can strike any afternoon and like a tornado, I never know where it is coming from or where it is going to go.  The fear of waking and stumbling quickly into this kind of mood. 

These are the moments I dread and that we have not found a resolution to.  Maybe there is not one.  Maybe we just manage it the best we can each and every single time.  Maybe I just ride out these horrible moments because history shows me that he can be charming, amazing, orderly, obedient, curious, incredible the next... we just have to roll.  But the moments are hard and like stepping into dark depths of hell. 

Make no mistake... I love my little boy with every ounce I have.

in response

I just clicked on a link from a friends page on face book ~ here is the article ~ and I was in disbelief and disheartened.  Every day I work to educate and inform people about what our family faces with ADHD, ODD and high functioning autism.  Our story and life is the same as some but hugely different then most.  While it is always good to share information... ADHD is a real problem... This article was written in 2012 and by a woman who has written several books (one of which I have read).  One of her points is that ADHD is on the rise.  Common statistics demonstrate a huge increase in numbers of ADHD diagnosis ~ numbers jumping from 3% in 1987 to 11% in 2014.... anyone want to remember that the population has increased drastically in those years?!  

 

The above referenced article discusses why the French have virtually no cases of ADHD.  The European nation has a vastly different view of many things and tolerance for artifical ingredients is much different then it is in the US. They also have different maternity programs, educational systems and vacation/leave for family time. In many Europen countries, there is still the attitude of raising children as a village while we see it as a unit and rely on self and the screen. It is comparing apples to oranges in many instances.

These articals get me fired up and here is why.... For 5 long years I did absolutly everything in my power and ability for my child and yet he had issues, problems and huge concerns that were not addressed by regular and repeated visits to the pediatrician. For five long hard years we were fighting an invisible force and we were terribly alone in our struggles with seeing how DIFFERENT our child was from his peers and not having one single answer as to why.  We had become fairly isolated becasue play dates ended in disaster.  We could not take him to stores, restaurants or on vacation without some huge issues and problems.  There are few people who can accept and tolerate the level of activity we bring to any situation.   We did an elimiation diet and still he eats very few processed foods, artifical colors or preservatives.  We could not teach him basic "preschool" information because we were managing safety, running and behavior concerns.  His behavior and hyperactivity created dynamic problems once he entered school.  There were days we both were in tears with the teacher or the principal becasue of some huge and terrible problem. I disipline him harshly by US standards. I have spanked, taken things, done immediate time out and walked out of places with a screaming child because of bad hyper behavior. I am THAT MOM. And still my child has behavioral and sensory problems.

The notion that I have not taught my child self control and that I use medication to mask behaviors that can be changed is frustrating. We hear it from family, friends and others that if we were just more strict, more structured, more...... (fill in the blank) then our child would behave better. In reality his little brain DOES NOT make the same chemicals that mine or yours or your childs makes and he is NOT able to control himself.  No amount of sleep, food adjustments, discipline will manage that. It won't matter if his gut is healthy when he punches your child for making a loud noise or runs out of the school because he felt like the walls were to close, or pulls the hair of the little girl next to him because it was swinging and bothering his vision. It won't matter how many times I spank him or put him in time out he will still not be able to sit in the chair or at his desk and write his name on the paper.  It doesn't matter the amount of preparation we put into going to a simple store, as soon as we hit the door the lights, sounds, people, stimuli make his skin crawl and his mind engulfed in frenzy.  All the external stimuli that most parents think cute and great drives my child insane.  Yet it is how our schools are, how our shops are, how our lives are... full of STUFF.  It is all this that distracts him, and makes his mind a jumble of nonsense. And yet the best place for him to learn at this moment is the public school and it is here that we have to learn to function.

The choice and decision to medicate my 6 year old came with much prayer and a very heavy heart. It is a decision I have to wake up to each and every single morning. It is not easy. But the alternative is watching my child fail. The diagnosing doctor once asked me as I was complaining about medicating my then 5 year old, to remove my glasses and drive home. Impossible. As is it with his medication... it is impossible for him to function.   With medication, he can be better able to function, better able to sit and take in the information, better able to ride his bike and not crash into people, better able to stay with a grown up and not run away, better able to make choices himself that are healthy. With medicaiton he can do "normal and typical" things ~ and that is what every mom dreams about. Without medication he is struggling to just be in his skin and his body can not take in any more information.  Medication does not change my child.  It does not take away his impulses.  It does not make him listen or function.  It gives his brain the ingredients it needs that he can not get anywhere else so that he may be open to receiving the information and learn the abilities to cope.   

ADHD is on the rise in the US. Absolutely because there are more people in our America.  The DSM has lumped more things under the umbrella so the prevalence is greater.  Absolutely some of it may be attributed to a generation of people who find it easier to medicate.  Medicating has become a societal norm perhaps. 

 

We have decided as a society that recess, outside time, play, discovery, family time are all less important than test scores, screen time, checking that app, watching that video and playing that game.  We should ask ourselves what kind of world are we creating.... We hide in our homes as single family units and we keep our issues and concerns to ourselves.  We don't ask for help from our neighbors or friends because of the embarrassment, stigma and frustration level that it may cause.  We take art, sports, recess, music out of schools because kids need to be smarter and study harder.  Maybe some of these contribute ~ maybe none of them.  Because even if I lived in France, my child WOULD BE MISSING SOME HUGE CHEMICAL COMPOUND IN HIS BRAIN.  And it would be hard for him to function.  As his parent, I may have to work less to provide him healthy food, a healthy environment and a village of people around us. 

 

Medication aids him.  It is a crutch for a broken leg, glasses for poor vision, a cough drop for a scratchy cough.  It is an aid.  Medication does not cure him.  It is something we face for LIFE. We work each day to teach him how to be part of this society we are all building. For him, medication is beneficial and at this moment, life saving. 

A bikers life

Because my kid is just cool.  Like a six year old can be. 

He has a VERDE BMX bike.  Built especially for tricks on half pipes and ramps.  He can pop wheelies and ride with no hands and prop his feet on the handle bars and stand on the seat while he is in motion.  Because he has no fear and just can.  He wants a half pipe in the front yard and is working on convincing his dad that he should build one. 

He loves to go out to NOWEAR Compound and ride with the big boys.  These dudes are amazing and I see a future here with Espen. 

He has a SPECIALIZED mountain bike with shocks and dirt tires.  He likes to ride the trail and we are hopeful we will see some mountain biking in his future.  The "extreme" sport of mountain biking catches his interest but one has to start someplace. 

He enjoys and benefits from OMAHA DEVO and the trail riding they do with children of all ages! 

He has a SPECIALIZED BMX race bike.  This is the start of his second season racing BMX.  Last year we did not focus on winning or points.  We just went out, had fun, learned the rules and tried to keep focused.  This year, on the first race out, he rocked it, won and then had a terrible fall.  It happens.  It was the best of both worlds and emotions were high.  His helmet was solid and for that we are super thankful.  At our house, if you don't have a helmet, you don't ride... no exceptions. 

Omaha BMX has a great course and great people for us to learn from.  They have patience when Espen has the wiggles and just get out and ride bikes! 

 And Espen has just gotten a motorized dirt bike that he calls ROLLING THUNDER.  He is cool.  He has discovered he has full control over his speed and course.  He LOVES it and we see the twinkle in his eye when he whips it around and goes fast!  His comfort level has increased and the training bar will be coming off.  We expect some falls and crashes.  He claims he wants to race... so we will see what is in our future.  The fact that he manages himself, he has control is a big deal for a child who is constantly monitored.  This is the most empowering and confidence building machine we currently own. 

The thing many moms ask me.... How about my nerves ~ how do I let him do it.  My son has always been a risk taker and has always done stunts of one sort or another.  I do my best to have good gear on him, safe surroundings and I am pretty hard core with the few rules we have (always helmet & shoes, no street unless adult is out there, never go where I can't see you).  So when I see him fly down the street with no hands on the handle bars, I know one day there will be a crash and I have done my best to just protect him.  Because I can't stop him from thinking up and doing the tricks.  It is WHO he is.  And he is cool.  I put my fears aside and just support the wild endeavors of my kid....

And isn't he cool.....