It is ok to change your mind

Being a mom can be the most challenging activity.  The last few days I have been challenged.  It is nothing we haven't done before.   Even then it is exhausting and frustrating!

There are things that happen in a house with a child that has diagnosed high functioning autism, ADHD/ODD that perhaps "typical" households can not comprehend or even understand.  For example we live in a routine.  Yes waking up, getting dressed, socks and shoes to bed time...  it is all routine. We buy the same foods.  We travel the same routes.  We sit in the same spots.  But in our house there is also a bit of defiance in each task.  Even the most simple of things.  It is just normal.
 
Our routine includes things that may not seem like a big deal.... He will only swing on ONE swing at home, even though we have 3.  If someone else should even dare to swing on "his" swing, he melts down.  He sits in the same place for each meal.  Even when we have guests, his spot is his spot.  Our routine includes always using the same kind of laundry soap and shampoo.  Going to the grocery is the same as a trip to the zoo... overwhelming and extremely hard! 

And even knowing these things about my child, I often just screw up.  I hope "this time" it might be different.  I sit in the chair for a minute and his face gets heavy with anxiety.  A kid uses "his" swing and he runs off screaming.  If we walk home a different route he is suddenly anxious about the walk.  I ask and prep him for a grocery trip and I still end up "cleaning up on aisle 2" ~ it is just not pretty. 

Do not mistake this for a child who doesn't share or is spoiled and throwing a fit.  This is not a naughty child who sasses his mom.  Although he does that too.  This is about a child who just can't handle all the things "typical developing" children can take.  So no matter how great things go each day, we face those moments when all hell breaks loose.  The way I handle and manage the breaks will determine the outcome of our day. 

Recall my blog of a few months ago where I lifted the weight off my chest and we decided to hold Espen back.  Over the last 2-3 weeks he has demonstrated a marked increase in his desire to write things down.  His test scores have improved drastically.  He is doing sight cards by the bundle and will sound things out (as long as he is on a swing).  We have invested in making flash cards, dice games and counting money.  We read as often and as much of whatever he wants to read (I have read Fly Guy and Capitan Underpants as much as No, David No).  We encourage. 

He had a medication check this week where we chatted with the pediatrician about holding him back a year.  To my surprise, we were strongly advised and cautioned against it.  The pediatrician had many valid reasons and I listened with an open mind.  We were also cautioned to think about his behaviors when his physical size and abilities meet children not as able as he is as well as his curious nature and simply being bored with things he has already done.  His kindergarten teacher has weighed in and also advises us to move him forward to first grade.  We met with her and asked questions and listened to her years of experiences with open minds and hearts.  Perhaps most importantly, Espen has been telling us he is going to first grade... he is sure of it.

The last week with this information and advice I had to evaluate the choices and decisions I make for my child as a mom.  I fear he is not ready and prepared for first grade.  That he needs another year of kindergarten to build the fundamentals of education in his brain.  I understand and get the social reasons but I'm worried about what happens when he is behind and lagging and gets frustrated and we are faced with behaviors that are less than desirable.  I fear what happens when there are not enough adult supports for the first grade teacher and Espen is lost, confused and not able to keep up and acts out.   I am unsettled about first grade.  But I put my fears aside.  I listen to the amazing progress he is making and I pray it is enough.  I am unsettled about how he will manage the work of first grade when it means changing routines faster.  I am unsettled about first grade because I am not sure his mind is ready for it.  And yet there is not any guarantee that a year later he would be ready.  There is no guarantee he would not have huge behavioral and social problems being held back. Basically there is not one single guarantee either way and I am unsettled. 

Honest to goodness, I kick myself for not pulling him last year and holding him then. 

My mom gut of trepidation about sending him on is still screaming at me.  I am the only one it screams at.  I have to deal with it.  And I will be a solid support and advocate for Espen.  He will have a fantastic first grade teacher who will do everything in her power to assist his learning and growth.  I trust in that.  If life with my son has taught me anything, it has taught me I need to be ready for anything. And so we go into summer break ready to move on to first grade.  And I am terrified for him and the future.