ODD ~ let me break it down for you ~

Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  ODD. 

It sucks. 

In the most basic of definitions it "is a condition in which a child displays an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant, hostile, and annoying behavior toward people in authority. The child's behavior often disrupts the child's normal daily activities, including activities within the family and at school." ~ WebMD

In our house it just sucks.  On the most mundane of days it rears its ugly head and can be brutal quickly and then go away.  And on the most challenging days it never stops and it is like a freight train colliding with an oil rig and it just never stops exploding.   

In our house on a day like today, the ODD beast was about and he was prolific.  Let me explain. 

ODD feels like something takes over your child and controls them to the point of disaster.  There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will be "right".  There is no way they will do anything but argue or defy everything. 

There were hours in my afternoon spent with a 5 year old who simply argued, screamed and disagreed with virtually every single thing I said, suggested or implied.  The ODD beast insisted he was right about absolutely everything.  ODD LOUDLY insisted I play, and then told me exactly what or how or where to play and when I was not complying with his demands, he was off the charts with emotion and screaming and accusing me of doing it all wrong.  The ODD came out and was sassy and opposing to the rules and when the rules were enforced, ODD decided to be even more vindictive and quietly destroy and make messes.  ODD had a hard time quietly listening to my words because NONE OF IT WAS RIGHT. 

NONE OF IT. 

Needless to say, my afternoon was very long.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder is not something that I can easily describe and yes sure, it can seem like I am perhaps the World's Worst Mom.  I did however win an award for World's Best Mom recently so I know I'm pretty good!  A child with ODD however often presents like a spoiled rotten mouthy little brat.  We actually have a real diagnosis and these behaviors have been witnessed by people beyond this house. Signs of ODD include:  actively refuses to comply with requests or consensus-supported rules; performs actions deliberately to annoy others; is angry and resentful of others; argues often; blames others for their own mistakes; frequently loses temper; is spiteful or seeks revenge; and is touchy or easily annoyed. 
 

What is exhausting is not the actual opposition.  It is the toll being calm and steady takes on me.  The steady emotion it takes to not engage with his demands and arguments.  It is draining being consistent over and over because ODD just keeps on and on and on.... When ODD is running about, it is hard to just be clear and consistent... I want to snatch my beautiful son and run away from ODD.  But alas, the ODD is part of who he is and so I manage it and him and we use it as a learning moment. 

Let me tell you ~ I do not need to learn any more.  I'm good.  I have GOT IT.  Because the hardest part about ODD is that I have to remove myself in a way that is protecting.  ODD can be very personal and feel like an attack.  It is hard to simply remain almost aloof and be calm, clear and concise and then walk away because ODD will KEEP AT YOU. 

We made it through another day.  Espen lost his legos, ipad and ability to go anywhere the rest of the afternoon.  He served a couple time outs and had some serious cleaning to help me with.  We managed.  I keep the rules simple and the language regarding my expectations clear.  Most importantly, I do not engage in arguing.  There is simply no point. Once I know he has heard the rule or the statement I move away because he will not stop.  When he complies I reward him with lots of positive praise.  I'm good at this "game"... but it doesn't change the fact of the matter... ODD sucks. 

Today was by far the most challenging it has been.  And it sucks. 

It is ok to change your mind

Being a mom can be the most challenging activity.  The last few days I have been challenged.  It is nothing we haven't done before.   Even then it is exhausting and frustrating!

There are things that happen in a house with a child that has diagnosed high functioning autism, ADHD/ODD that perhaps "typical" households can not comprehend or even understand.  For example we live in a routine.  Yes waking up, getting dressed, socks and shoes to bed time...  it is all routine. We buy the same foods.  We travel the same routes.  We sit in the same spots.  But in our house there is also a bit of defiance in each task.  Even the most simple of things.  It is just normal.
 
Our routine includes things that may not seem like a big deal.... He will only swing on ONE swing at home, even though we have 3.  If someone else should even dare to swing on "his" swing, he melts down.  He sits in the same place for each meal.  Even when we have guests, his spot is his spot.  Our routine includes always using the same kind of laundry soap and shampoo.  Going to the grocery is the same as a trip to the zoo... overwhelming and extremely hard! 

And even knowing these things about my child, I often just screw up.  I hope "this time" it might be different.  I sit in the chair for a minute and his face gets heavy with anxiety.  A kid uses "his" swing and he runs off screaming.  If we walk home a different route he is suddenly anxious about the walk.  I ask and prep him for a grocery trip and I still end up "cleaning up on aisle 2" ~ it is just not pretty. 

Do not mistake this for a child who doesn't share or is spoiled and throwing a fit.  This is not a naughty child who sasses his mom.  Although he does that too.  This is about a child who just can't handle all the things "typical developing" children can take.  So no matter how great things go each day, we face those moments when all hell breaks loose.  The way I handle and manage the breaks will determine the outcome of our day. 

Recall my blog of a few months ago where I lifted the weight off my chest and we decided to hold Espen back.  Over the last 2-3 weeks he has demonstrated a marked increase in his desire to write things down.  His test scores have improved drastically.  He is doing sight cards by the bundle and will sound things out (as long as he is on a swing).  We have invested in making flash cards, dice games and counting money.  We read as often and as much of whatever he wants to read (I have read Fly Guy and Capitan Underpants as much as No, David No).  We encourage. 

He had a medication check this week where we chatted with the pediatrician about holding him back a year.  To my surprise, we were strongly advised and cautioned against it.  The pediatrician had many valid reasons and I listened with an open mind.  We were also cautioned to think about his behaviors when his physical size and abilities meet children not as able as he is as well as his curious nature and simply being bored with things he has already done.  His kindergarten teacher has weighed in and also advises us to move him forward to first grade.  We met with her and asked questions and listened to her years of experiences with open minds and hearts.  Perhaps most importantly, Espen has been telling us he is going to first grade... he is sure of it.

The last week with this information and advice I had to evaluate the choices and decisions I make for my child as a mom.  I fear he is not ready and prepared for first grade.  That he needs another year of kindergarten to build the fundamentals of education in his brain.  I understand and get the social reasons but I'm worried about what happens when he is behind and lagging and gets frustrated and we are faced with behaviors that are less than desirable.  I fear what happens when there are not enough adult supports for the first grade teacher and Espen is lost, confused and not able to keep up and acts out.   I am unsettled about first grade.  But I put my fears aside.  I listen to the amazing progress he is making and I pray it is enough.  I am unsettled about how he will manage the work of first grade when it means changing routines faster.  I am unsettled about first grade because I am not sure his mind is ready for it.  And yet there is not any guarantee that a year later he would be ready.  There is no guarantee he would not have huge behavioral and social problems being held back. Basically there is not one single guarantee either way and I am unsettled. 

Honest to goodness, I kick myself for not pulling him last year and holding him then. 

My mom gut of trepidation about sending him on is still screaming at me.  I am the only one it screams at.  I have to deal with it.  And I will be a solid support and advocate for Espen.  He will have a fantastic first grade teacher who will do everything in her power to assist his learning and growth.  I trust in that.  If life with my son has taught me anything, it has taught me I need to be ready for anything. And so we go into summer break ready to move on to first grade.  And I am terrified for him and the future. 

happy Mother's Day

I am blessed and very thankful.  It is at this time of year that I feel it most.  Because of mother's day or because my baby has a birthday in May, I always think about our first time to meet Tia, Espen's birth mom, and I am always thankful for the opportunity that brought us to be in each others lives.  Her gift of life allows me each an every one of the opportunities I am given as a mom.  It means I get to hear "I love you mommy" each and every day.  And it is not something I ever forget because it is the most beautiful exchange of love.  Her courage means I have a beautiful son. 

I am a mom.  Being a mom is a wildly loud messy experience.  It is a quiet snuggle.  It is a frustrating struggle.  There are tears and laughs.  It means I often have either snot or mud somewhere on my clothes.  Being a mom is often the most rewarding and exhausting thing I do.  It means I'm sometimes late, frazzled and tired.

It means I am here, I see you and I listen ~ with my eyes, ears and senses.  Being a mom means I am up when I don't want to be, playing things I may not want to play, looking at things I really don't want to see.  Motherhood means I have to be courageous and strong because children push the envelope of what is possible.  It means answering the hard questions and laughing at the silly things. 

Being a mom makes me thankful for the thankless days.  It makes me smile when I have been crying.  It makes me giggle when things are crazy.   Being a mom means you kiss away tears, wipe up spills and answer questions at the speed of light.  It means learning new things, eating healthy food and attempting to keep my body in good condition.  It doesn't matter how you arrive at being a mom, it means you live in this moment because the next one comes really fast. 

Even when faced with challenges and struggles, there are countless ways being a mother is rewarding.  Take time on this day to just be thankful for the mess, the noise, the laundry and the wild giggles.  Mother's Day may not mean anyone acknowledges your work and dedication ~ it may just mean that you stop and take a deep breath and recognize that you are doing the best you can at this moment and be thankful for that.  It doesn't give you a day off ~ it gives you a reminder to pause and be joyous for the special gift you were given.  I know I did.... and I stole a few extra kisses and hugs and was just proudly a mom.