Today I medicated my child.

Today I medicated my child.  It was not a decision I made lightly.

I cried.  A lot. 

Our meeting with the child psychiatrist was the hardest meeting I have yet to be to.  We talked for 2 hours about Espen's needs, quirks, meltdowns, hyperactivity, problems and strengths.  She quickly got to the heart of many issues and wasted no time in letting me feel heard and understood. 

Finally after having first been heard at PTC when we started occupational therapy. 

My beautiful little boy has ADHD/ hyperactivity/impulsivity/ oppositional defiance as well as Sensory Processing Disorder and may be on the cusp of some anxiety type concerns.  We are going to screen him for a spectrum disorder, sleep disorder and other behavioral issues. 

Imagine my grief and anger at having ASKED the right questions and pushed for things with the pediatrician and nothing happened for him.  Imagine my disbelief when I was able to just feel heard.  Imagine my heartache when I realized I could have perhaps found her sooner.  I am his best advocate and I ask and seek many services for him.  But I also learned how to best manage his quirks and we just rolled with it.  I tried all summer to find the right place and today I am some steps closer. 

I assure you my life with my 5 year old resembles your life and 5 year old, but ours is EXTREME.  In many ways.  I can give an example:  After this long appointment, we had 2 errands.  Second one was Target to get the prescription.  He rolled on the floor for most of the shopping experience.  I let him.  I knew he had reached his max and he was not hurting anyone.  Besides we had to wait for it or come back.  Once home and fed I gave him this new prescription.  He wanted to build a fire.  Ok.  Random but we did it.  With supervision, he played in the fire with sticks for nearly 2 hours.  Then he decided to eat a worm.  And explain to me that it was no more mean to eat the worm then using it to fish (he had me there).  Then we played motor cross.  While playing I had to explain "diabolical" because he had been using it almost all day.  Once he learned the simplest meaning, he continued to use it.  So we had a "diabolical" dinner.  Finally after dinner we spent over an hour jumping on the trampoline and telling silly stories.  I assure you at 9 when he went to bed, nearly by force, he was not ready to.  He could outlast me.  In between all this was a ton of chatter.  Some video games.  A few episodes of Kung Fu Panda.  He climbed a tree and caught a katydid.  He went INSIDE the neighbors house with said bug and dirty shoes totally uninvited.  And he periodically tried to convince me he does NOT need to go to school tomorrow.  I cleaned the kitchen floor twice.  I did laundry.  I made meals.  I answered more weird questions than GOGGLE did.  I said be sure pee stays in the toilet, pull your pants up and get your finger out of your nose so many times today I feel like a broken record.  My clothes are just as dirty as his are because he touches me all day with messy hands.  And I am loved.  Because he tells me so.  My life is a daily episode of PARENTING IN THE EXTREME!

So as I sat there with the psychiatrist I resisted medication.  I resisted it because I am not ready.  I resisted because I can try to be better mom, healthier cook, more involved... I resisted because he is 5 and I don't want a life of weird medication for him.  I resisted until she said "his brain is just not going to make the things it needs no matter how hard you try for him.  He will struggle.  He may do great or he may fail.  But his brain is missing some ability to regulate or provide and this is a way to help him."..... She assured me we are not going to just give up and medicate, we are going to work to resolve some concerns.  And she will work with us, PTC, school and that makes it better for me. 

I cried. 

So we came home with the most easy dose for me to control and the minimal amount possible.  I gave it to him through my tears.  I explained to him what was and what it should do.  He eagerly swallowed it.  Nearly 2 hours later, while sitting calmly with me and playing with sticks in the fire he said "Mom, I feel calm".... I cried some more. 

So tomorrow we venture on to school with this new "tool" in our resource box.  It is not the solvent for all our problems.  It is merely a tool. 

I can guarantee you, I will cry. 

Kindergarten FOR REAL

Espen stared Kindergarten FOR REAL!  After all the work we did this summer to try to level off his behavior we failed to find the solutions before school started.  So we keep working every day.  We have good times and bad and know that the teacher and staff at the school are helping and working with the therapist and me to find ways to make it better.  I know it is hard when she has 20 other kids to manage and I appreciate her efforts and compassion with my child. 

It is SO incredibly lonely at the house all day.  Every day for the last 5 years I have had one little boy to listen to and talk to.  I have spent countless hours playing and going places.  I have cleaned up and made messes with him.  He has been my helper and my shadow. 

It is now quiet.  The house is empty and quiet for 7 hours each day.  He gets home and needs some "down time" and I give it to him.  It is incredibly hard not knowing what my child does all day.  If he is kind and gentle or a wild buffalo.  It is sad not seeing his triumphs and amazing smile at the successes.  It is quiet not listening to the million questions and little boy chatter.  Honestly it sucks. 

It is harder yet because my child has not the ability to actually tell me what happened in his day.  I hear nothing about the whole day.  His recall is oddly not present.  I can get a few tidbits from the teacher before we leave the school but for the most part I do not get anything.  EXCEPT amazing stories.  Espen is quite a story teller and he concocts these amazing stories.  So I hear about grand adventures that I know are false but it is what he decides to share with me.  Rarely I get a few facts about his day but they come in the most bizarre ways that I am not sure.  It is a weird household!

Maybe for now I have to be satisfied with that.  Maybe he spends his whole day keeping it together and quiet that when he sees me he just must fall into the land of creative and entertain me with his imaginary adventures.  Maybe it is how he is.  Maybe just one day he will tell me something real about his day.  

For now I hug him like crazy when he lets me.  I play or sit or cuddle when he is ready.  And I am thankful for the last 5 years because it is how we got to this point.  But I really miss him......