Grief

Last week I knew something had gone terribly wrong at the house across the street.  I knew.  It was a mothers knowledge that heard the sobbing, saw the tight hugs and the look of utter despair.  It was the "Texas" in me that saw the food being dropped off after the hugs and I knew something had happened that shook the family who has quietly lived across the street from us for 4 years.

As we played outside and loved on our son, I discovered she lost her 24 year old son.  He was there one day and horribly gone the next.  The sobbing and hugging brought Espen to ask many questions. 

We have known for some time that Espen lacks empathy and sympathy.  He does not have a real grasp for understanding pain or grief or hurt.  His high pain tolerance is partly to blame.  He can understand what pain feels like and just thinks everyone "feels" the way he does.  His brain doesn't connect with the understanding of grief.  We have been trying to explain and train him to understand these hard concepts that do not come naturally. 

It was a moment when we were all in the truck heading someplace that he saw a large group of people standing in front of the house across the street dressed nicely (heading to funeral) that he asked me why people feel sad when someone dies.  The smile on his face shocked me, yet I realized he simply was not understanding.  I tried to explain how mommy would be so sad if something happened to him and that when someone dies they are just in our memories and it makes people miss them.  He looked right at me and said "Mom, I just don't get it".  He looked out the window and that was the end of the discussion.  And not only did he admit he did not get it, he was done talking about it.  It has never been mentioned again.

But I think about it. 

I do not know if my child will ever understand death, pain, grief or sadness.  I do not know if he will understand empathy or sympathy.  The world is full of strange and terrible things that make us generally feel some emotion.  As well, there are many moments of utter bliss.  I only can hope that I handle these emotions appropriately and that he can see and feel me experience them.  His intuition and sense about mommy may be enough for now to help him garner a small bit of knowledge about these emotions.  No matter what the feeling, I wish someday he can feel it and understand it. 

Today however, I know about grief and a mothers loss.... and I hugged him to me.