No answers

Appointment after appointment and still I sit here with nothing. 

We are 2 weeks away from kindergarten and I spent all summer making calls, going to appointments and completing assessments.  We are now completing and autism screening and an anxiety assessment.  And set up to see the next doctor. 

My child is perfectly happy in the quiet, structured(ish) environment at home.  He rarely has accidents and can be completely managed.  Certainly we have our share of freak behaviors but generally he is calm and not overstimulated.  Take him anyplace different and he immediately gets into overdrive and turns quickly into some type of crazed child.  His behavior often results in weird things happening!

I spend energy and time being fearful of the next step in his little journey ~ kindergarten.  I am not sure it is the right step at the right time and yet I have no other answers.  I am concerned that I won't have the strength to keep calm and face each day with the energy needed to help him get through.  If it is a daily struggle, he will never feel calm enough to actually enjoy the experience of school.  And more then anything, I want him to have the joy of learning and making friends.... right now, I just have gut wrenching fear that it is all going to be to much and we will have a cloud of trouble over us. 

Yet I face each day with an optimistic smile and set about to make contact, follow through with our "sensory diet" at home and make each experience the best it can be given the circumstances.  It is all I can do.....

Grief

Last week I knew something had gone terribly wrong at the house across the street.  I knew.  It was a mothers knowledge that heard the sobbing, saw the tight hugs and the look of utter despair.  It was the "Texas" in me that saw the food being dropped off after the hugs and I knew something had happened that shook the family who has quietly lived across the street from us for 4 years.

As we played outside and loved on our son, I discovered she lost her 24 year old son.  He was there one day and horribly gone the next.  The sobbing and hugging brought Espen to ask many questions. 

We have known for some time that Espen lacks empathy and sympathy.  He does not have a real grasp for understanding pain or grief or hurt.  His high pain tolerance is partly to blame.  He can understand what pain feels like and just thinks everyone "feels" the way he does.  His brain doesn't connect with the understanding of grief.  We have been trying to explain and train him to understand these hard concepts that do not come naturally. 

It was a moment when we were all in the truck heading someplace that he saw a large group of people standing in front of the house across the street dressed nicely (heading to funeral) that he asked me why people feel sad when someone dies.  The smile on his face shocked me, yet I realized he simply was not understanding.  I tried to explain how mommy would be so sad if something happened to him and that when someone dies they are just in our memories and it makes people miss them.  He looked right at me and said "Mom, I just don't get it".  He looked out the window and that was the end of the discussion.  And not only did he admit he did not get it, he was done talking about it.  It has never been mentioned again.

But I think about it. 

I do not know if my child will ever understand death, pain, grief or sadness.  I do not know if he will understand empathy or sympathy.  The world is full of strange and terrible things that make us generally feel some emotion.  As well, there are many moments of utter bliss.  I only can hope that I handle these emotions appropriately and that he can see and feel me experience them.  His intuition and sense about mommy may be enough for now to help him garner a small bit of knowledge about these emotions.  No matter what the feeling, I wish someday he can feel it and understand it. 

Today however, I know about grief and a mothers loss.... and I hugged him to me.