Today my kid ran away

Today my kid ran away.  Oh yes this happened.   Our day was characterized by explosive outbursts, super great behavior followed by odd statements ~ repeated all day.  (Clearly we need more therapy and structure).  At some point, he decided he was going to leave.  He announced he was running away.  He came and told me he was going to run.  I never thought he was telling the truth.  Nor did I stop to really listen to what he was saying because I was so caught up in how horrible the day was.  How I look forward to a day off with Doug and Espen and BLAM it never goes smoothly. 

But he put on his socks and shoes, coat and a hat and found an open door and took off.  Thankfully Doug was not far behind him.  I started to cry.  Sank down to my knees and pray.  How can he be 4 years old and decide he is having a bad day and run off.  How can I be so dumb as to leave a door unlocked.  How can I have screwed up so badly that my beautiful 4 year old decides to run away.  How are we going to make this right and not have this repeat itself every weekend.  UGH.  Can't we just have ONE day ~ one regular day.  One day to know what an average family does and experiences.  Just that one day.....

I followed in the car when I saw them get to the top of the hill and turn the corner.  By the time I caught up to them they were nearly a half mile away.  He was running.  By running away I guess he really meant RUNNING. 

Espen in left, on a sidewalk.  RUNNING.

I brought them home while I was still crying.  He wondered why I was crying.  The thing is my son did not think it was bizarre.  He said he needed some exercise and fresh air.  He did not do this with a bad thought to it.  He was happy.  I was not. 

Yes today my son ran away.  What can possibly happen tomorrow?

There are some crazy fantastic things that happened with this whole frustrating moment.
1. He put on his socks, shoes, coat and hat by himself.
2. He ran.  He got some exercise in the cold fresh air.
3. He drew me a picture of the event after ward... complete with himself on a sidewalk, and when he messed up he used an eraser.  This is a HUGE accomplishment... my son is beginning to draw
random things that he can visualize. 
4. We know we need some help... we just don't know where in the hell to start! 

5 Simple Play Date Rules

For all children play dates are a milestone in socialization.  For little ones, play dates are exciting and terrifying.  For a child like mine with sensory processing disorder, a play date is a wild world of stimulation and exposure.  I want him to have the same experiences as everyone and not be isolated so I try and try!   We have generally had children to our house because I can best manage situations.  I recognize however the need to branch out. 

There are tons of good reads about hosting and managing play dates for sensory children (and all children).  I have read it all so that I could be best prepared for my son's behaviors! 

I have not left him alone yet for a date because I think he still needs mom to be close by just in case.  So we were invited to a play date.  It was exciting!  Imagine my delight that he played with the other children with no screaming, fighting, pushing, shoving, tattling or meltdowns.  Then imagine my dismay, surprise and embarrassment when he decided to put on some clothes from the little boys dresser.  He then used the toilet (YEA he used the toilet alone ~ this alone is a great achievement!) and brushed his teeth with one of the toothbrushes sitting there.  Oh my I thought I would just crawl under the couch from embarrassment. 

For my child this seemed like a reasonable thing to do.  I talked to him at length.  I described a situation in which some friends came to our house and borrowed his toothbrush, lovey and most favorite hoodie.  His response was that if the kids needed to use his things he would share them because sharing is nice.  Indeed it is.  Perhaps we should all just loosen up and the world would be better. 

After a good cry, I thought about what is most important for him to remember RIGHT NOW for our next encounter.  I thought of 4 simple things to remind him of when we go to another person's home. 
#1  Do not take your own clothes off.  No exceptions to this rule ever.
#2  If you need to use the restroom, let mommy know and never touch anything except the toilet and the sink.
#3  Do not get anything out that was not already out or go into a room that was closed.
#4  Share with everyone. 
#5  Always say please and thank you. 

Maybe in a few weeks we will try again.  Maybe he will not use someone's tooth brush!  Maybe we will be invited back!  Or maybe we will just have kids over to our house for awhile longer so that we can understand our bodies, boundaries and impulse control. 

Wild Winter fun....

Winter... Is it killing you?  We have been finding cool things to do... here are a few of the ones we love!

On those cold days, boil water, put it in a mug and let your child watch (or throw) it outside.  Be sure to throw ist up and away from your body.  It is amazing fun!

Put food color and water in a balloon (water balloon) and let sit outside until frozen solid.  Makes amazing colored ice.  I let Espen put the big ice block in the shower and play until he is finished melting it down. 

We have brought snow inside in buckets into the tub. (I did it long before the cool parents got on the Today show doing it!).  It is cold and fun.  We put food coloring / water in spray bottles and let him color it.  We put the trucks and cars in it.  Then when he gets cold we run warm water in it to watch it all melt! 

In our house we don't worry about eating the freshly fallen snow.... we just do it. 

Sprinkle Jell-O powder onto freshly fallen snow and let kids eat it, play in it and have fun!

We made fresh ice cream with fresh snow.  I let Espen collect it in a bowl then we added milk, sugar & a bit of vanilla stirring while we added it, until it was creamy!  There are lots of recipes on line but a giant amount of snow was needed.  I winged it until it looked tasty.  He loved it!

Snow floats!  Who doesn't love Coke and fresh snow!  An instant slushy treat! 

Blow a GIANT trash bag up with air and tie it off.  Pop it around like a balloon.  Sit on it.  Kick it.  Play catch with it.  When it gets broken, toss it in the trash!

He has been playing in a giant leaf bag.  It makes a good hiding hold, coloring page and snuggle bag.

We build forts.  Small ones, big ones.  From cardboard, blankets, chair cushions.  The building is often quickly followed by the crashing it down but it is always good for a laugh or two! 

The warm weather can not get here soon enough.... but in the mean time, we will just manage to find things to have fun with during the winter months!

Hopes

Happy New Year!  Every year it is a relief to see January 1.  We all feel it.  It is a fresh start, a new beginning.  We wait for this time to try new things, set new goals or imagine great achievements yet to come.  We try so hard for a few days, weeks or even sometimes months to just fall back to the old things that work or are comfortable. 

My beautiful son will be turning 5 soon.  He is a gift.  I am thankful every day for him.  I am thankful for his smile and laughter and hugs.  I am thankful for how fast he moves and thinks.  I am even thankful for the strange and wonderful world of sensory processing.  It is a look at life and everything in it, with new eyes, sometimes through crazy glasses.  I am thankful for the challenges that go beyond being a parent.  Our lives are strangely different then so many others. 

There are not enough words in the dictionary to describe the internal conflict that sometimes comes along with having a son like mine.  Confusion and regret are often so strong you can feel them in the room like old friends.  Longing for a regular life, full of normal family activities for Espen and for us all.  Wishing we didn't have an escape plan every time we went some where or a change of underpants in my bag (and lately, an entire outfit, even shoes).  Sad that our lives are imperfectly perfect.  It is hard to make friends, hard to keep friends and hard for people to understand.   The pain of telling people "I'm sorry we can't be there, do that, go".  I regret all the times I thought I could do something and then couldn't at the last minute. 

 

We get to the point of just closing ourselves off because we can control our surroundings better and make things less stressful.  It is easier to not explain or apologize. So as the year started I had hoped, like everyone, for a fresh start on expanding our comfort zones to include friends and a support system so that we could face new challenges.  And just 4 days into it, I am drawn into the most comfortable behavior, when the freak out happens, mommy makes it better.  We do things we know we can handle, go places we know we will succeed, stay home when the stress gets intolerable.  And I make apologies when we miss things. 

The hardest part is the feeling of isolation.  The feeling that we do this on an island and it is so hard for people to understand.  Loved ones may have an idea but not the whole picture of our lives.  We don't ask for help.  We are not just a normal family.  We have some special needs.  We don't need to be told we are just normal and that we are putting to much pressure on ourselves.  We are trying.  Every day we try something.  Imagine the pain and discomfort from being over stimulated and that leads to fear and panic, which can lead to tears or running or other "non acceptable" behaviors.  As parents we have to handle that in every situation.  And it is not getting any easier. 

 

It is hard to manage on an island.  I hope people don't give up on us.  We need the support even if we seem like we don't.  We need the attempts of friendships even if we are hard to understand.  We need an occasional person to listen to our concerns and fears without passing judgment.  We need people to see past the messy hair, dirty clothes and wild running behaviors to our hearts that are full of love and hope and honesty.  We need patience. 

 

We will make it through this year.  We always do... it may not be what I imagined it to be three days ago, but it will be as it should be and we will be happy.  And maybe, just maybe, we will make some new friends and try some fantastic activities and go to wonderful places!

 

dark little box

Sometimes I am just so engrossed in the moment that the shocking things don't really shock me.  Until later. 

After a successful shopping excursion to Bass Pro I pushed our limit and went straight to Cabella's.  The good behavior lasted and I was able to finish some holiday shopping.  When we were in the car he TOLD ME he was ready to go home.  He recognized that he was done and told me.  What happened next is no surprise. 

I needed to stop one more place.  I had one quick prescription to pick up from Target.  In and out.  FAST.  I had forgotten that Target has started to be a "no fly zone" for Espen and he is bothered by the intercom & lights & shoppers.  As we entered the door, he started reciting LLAMA LLAMA HOLIDAY DRAMA.  He knows the book.  I was not listening. 

That quick pick up turned into a nightmare.  He kicked his boots off.  He screamed at people, at me.  He nearly kicked another lady.  He laughed like a mad man.  He warned me that he was going to call the police on me.  He was crazier then I have seen him.  I was struggling to pay and get the hell out of there. I had to carry a screaming, thrashing 45 pound child out to the car.  Mind you he did not want anything.  He was just overloaded.

Once in the car, in the quiet, it all stopped.  I was crying.  He was crying.  Then we took some breaths and tried to sort out the situation.  I calmly told him he would have a time out and the new boomer rang would be taken for 3 days. 

We started home and my beautiful, calm little boy said "Mommy.  It was not me who acted so bad.  It was bad Espen.  He locks good Espen in a box and won't let me out.  Then he just does all the bad stuff while I can't stop him.  I want out of the box momma but he locks it.  It is dark and I don't like the dark.".  WHAT THE HECK???

I pulled the car over to give him my full attention.  Never had he mentioned anything of the sort.  My mind raced around to all the movies and Netflix shows he watches ~ nothing even similar.  He is super creative and this could come from some creative place in him.  So I asked a few strange questions of my own then concluded with "well baby, it doesn't matter which one of you was behaving that way, both of you will have to sit in time out and no one will get the boomer rang back for a few days.".   There were no tears.  He just wanted to hold hands.  A soothing mechanism we have mastered over the last 3 years.  When the pressure gets to us, we hold hands. 

So for the last few days, this odd comment about the box has been bothering me.  I have not brought it up.  I have not asked about it.  I have not taken him shopping.  I have not pushed the limit of stimulation.  I have let him guide our afternoons and he has been at home.  In our little quiet controlled space.  He has been happy.  He has been helpful.  He has been calm. 

I am still bothered but wonder if my son was just being super creative to get the boomer rang back.  But it has been the weirdest thing my 4 year old has ever said to me.... 

long winter....sensory fun...

Winter... IT IS HERE!  Anyone who has read my blog before knows that Espen & I are summer people!  But how quickly we leave the barefoot pool days behind and layer up in our snow suits and mittens. 

For my sensory seeking son, winter months trapped indoors scare me.  It is when he tends to be more "wild" and exert less energy.  It is when, naturally, we all watch more tv, play more games and bundle up with sugary drinks. 

Winter however can be a wonderland of fantastic things for him.  I just have to be a willing participant!  The snow... oh the snow... He has helped shovel, dig and been to the sled hill as often as we will take him.  He eagerly drags his snow board or sled up after a fast ride down.  He crashes and rolls in the cold wet stuff.  He lets the cold snow touch his face and when I let him, his feet and hands. 

We bake more.  I let him help measure, pour, stir, knead and touch it all.  He smells and tastes all the ingredients.  I think blindfolded he could identify them.  His little brain and body have to work together to bake things and we have to practice one step at a time.  He struggles but we keep on doing it.  And sometimes we have GIANT accidents... we break a dozen eggs all over the floor and then slip in them.  We turn on the mixer super fast sending a flour cloud all over us.  We clean more then necessary but we end up with some tasty treats. 

We ice skate more.  It used to bother me that my son could skate out to the middle of the rink, lay down and lick the ice.  I just don't worry anymore.  The fact is that he skated out there.  So we go skate.  We go on hot days and cold days. We have our own skates and helmet.  We often are alone on the ice and can hear the swoosh of our skates on the ice, we fall and crash into the boards.  He plays with his hockey stick & puck and exerts pressure on them to make that puck glide across the ice.  He pretends he scores the winning goal and has a victory dance.

We read.  We play with flashlights.  We walk on the crunchy ice.  We build forts.  We jump on the couch cushions.  We cut up things.  We play tag.  We build lego forts.  We take long baths or showers.  We dump out every single matchbox car and line them up. 

We find our winter groove and yet when we pass by a mound of road sand, he wishes out loud it was the beach and he could put his bare feet in it.  And so do I....

Sleep

All I can say is what the heck.  After 4+ years I can write a book on how to get a child to sleep ~ or what will never work!  I have read more books on the topic then I can mention.  I talk to our pediatrician.  We have given him melatonin.  We get so much fresh air!  I am a parent expert on sleeping attempts.  And still we struggle! 

We have had months and months of not sleeping through the night.  I started to bribe him with dollar bills.  He is motivated by money (who isn't?).  I didn't have to worry about giving him much because he still crawled in bed next to me at night.  Then it started to work.  He saved up $10 and I took him to Target to spend his money.  He learned quickly that mommy would tell him no on the toys he didn't have enough money for.  So he started saving again.  This time with a goal of that toy he thought he wanted.  We drew a picture of the toy, the price and posted it on the fridge where he has a money clip.  He saved $30 and we went and bought the thing he had been saving for.  Currently, he is sleeping most nights in his bed because he is super motivated by the dollar.  He is also saving for something cool that cost $45.  His money for sleeping in the bed is never taken away.  Not when he breaks something, not when he is naughty.  He earns it for something important!  Allowing us all a good night sleep is worth rewarding! 

There are issues (of course there are!).  The last two nights he has called me in the middle of the night and wanted me to sleep with him.  We can't figure out if he is cold, afraid or just lonely for mommy. We thought he was sleeping with us for the physical weight of bodies next to him.  We think that is why he wants someone in his bed.  He has a weighted bear so when he calls I put that right next to him.  Last night I slept with him for about 20 minutes then went back to bed and he stayed put. 

He has started waking up really early ~ between 5-6am is just to early to be awake.  And once awake he is not going to go back to sleep.  We are struggling with keeping him in the bed, keeping him asleep and helping him to understand that he can sleep alone all night. 

While I may have tons of knowledge about how it 'should' work, keeping my little boy in the bed and asleep is a challenge.  Each night we just try.  If I find the magic answer I will be happy to share it... until then I will just share our success & attempts!