To the Teacher

Back to school tomorrow. Last night we met you.  So much anxiety filled our night.

I know the first day of school must be nerve wracking and full of anxiety for you too.  I know all the parents and the questions and the eager faces on Meet The Teacher Night are probably overwhelming.  But last night my first impression of you left me filled with dread and bewilderment.  And my son, who is already anxious, woke up at 4am consumed with worry.

What we needed from you was your attention and you were scattered and disorganized.  What we needed from you was to know who was in the class, where my child would sit, who would be around him.  What we needed from you was to know what we would be doing, some expectations, a schedule of the day.  What we needed from you was for you to slow down and see that the papers did not matter; your attention did.

For the whole summer I have worked with my son so he will be able to figure our his multiplication tables, so he can write complex sentences and not be a blank mind when asked to do proceed with hard tasks.  For the whole summer we have talked about how to manage peers who get under our skin.  For the whole summer we have relished some anticipation for being 10 and a 4th grader.

What I want you to know now is that there is in fact a peer in his class who causes him a load of stress and this was heavy on his mind last night.  I want you to know that in our house we don’t have to “be friends” with everyone and it is quite all right for them to not get along; don’t force friendship upon them.  I want you to know my son talks to and teases everyone and moving him constantly won’t help.  I want you to know that he will befriend the newest, the quietest, the least eager and he will stick with them.

I want you to know he has medication that makes him not feel hungry.  I want you to know he will sit at lunch and not eat a single bite and his afternoon will be hard (extremely hard).  He will not focus, he will wander, he will be emotional and volatile.  I assure you he needs a snack.  A small child can not go for an entire day without food and he will need to be reminded to eat and if moody he will need to be strongly encouraged to eat that granola bar mom put in his bag.

I want you to know that we are not keen on the amount of technology used in the classroom.  In fact he will not learn solely with technology and I will not be very kind in telling you so.  Besides me and 20 other parents just sent piles of paper and notebooks to your classroom, I expect they use them and not just a chrome book.  I want you to know my child will tell me absolutely nothing about his day (I will garner more from his peers than him).  I want you to know that he will stuff food, papers, junk in every space available to him, he will be overwhelmed to clean it out, and it will just get worse.  That is where the important reminder, the permission slip, the homework will be and it will not make its way home.

I want you to know he has ADHD and is impulsive.  I want you to know something about ADHD and make eye contact with me and assure me that you “have this”.  His impulsivity makes him blurt out stuff, do stuff and react in ways that may leave you wondering.  His mouth and body work a lot faster than his mind or vise versa sometimes and it happens fast.  I want you to know that it is easier for him to be the class clown than to sit down and do the work that is in front of him.  That he is worried about being teased for using the “tools” he knows will help him.  I promise you he is clever and will find the best school hacks to get out of working.  I want to know and he will do his work at home.

I want you to now he plays every sport with some skill (not the signing of professional contracts skill but the skill of a child who is engaged).  I want you to know he is daring and takes risks that for most seem completely out of control.  I want you to know his brain works out designs for those risks and once set he will work to accomplish that more than he will focus on your assignments.  I want you to know that he rarely reads anything alone but that he will listen to story after story.  I want you to know he enjoys pe, art and only tolerates music.  Dance though... put on some tunes and my child will dance like no one is watching (and clearly he learns his moves from me but you may have missed that last night because you were preoccupied).

I want you to know that he has a best friend who he spent long days with over the summer, plays on teams with and lives just around the corner from and that this year they are separate and my child will miss him.  I want you to know that they concocted a new last name so they could be brothers and now their plans are foiled.  The disappointment is palpable.  I want you to also note that we know most of the parents of boys in this class and that we are a tight group who are not afraid of each other.  Our boys won’t always get along and we will address it with them also.  We support them all, we cheer for them all no matter the interest.  We are a tribe of parents and our children know that.

I want you to know we live in the country.  Cows, chickens, crap, guns, knives, fishing, dirt bikes, forts, tree climbing are all in the realm of what we know and do and he is eager to let everyone know this information.  Please note that if my child is talking about guns it is not with malicious intent, it is because he is generally a country kid.  I want you to know he is colorful and expressive in ways you may miss.  I want you to know that all the kids in this class make amazing pottery and that my son and I are happy to keep sharing clay and knowledge with them.

Fortnight, Stranger Things, Gumball cartoons, Minecraft, current movies, all things Marvel are of huge interest to my child and he will draw them, write about them and talk ad nausea about them.  I am guessing all of them will... it would be in your best interest to know their language because he will tell you all about it.

Lastly, I am an open mom who prefers to have a note sent, a phone call made than to be left in the dark.  I am happy to talk with you because I am his biggest supporter and advocate.  You get my child for the next 9 months for long hours of every day and I want to continue to be invested and involved and aid his growth and absorption of knowledge this year.  I will be your strongest supporter, just slow down, organize and breathe in the eagerness of these new friends on the journey of discovering 4th grade.

Still learning

The stinging looks.  The harsh whispers of “my kid would not act that way”.  The quiet inquiries of “who acted up”.  The avoidance of eye contact and the rushed goodbyes.  Everyone already knows.  They know it was my kid.  When the bad happens, somehow my kid is involved either directly or indirectly.

Do you really think I “let” my child behave so terribly?  Do you think I encourage or tolerate?  Do you really think we have not punished, corrected, made him apologize, removed from situations?  And we continue to do so.  We also continue to show up.  We continue to try.  We continue to take responsibility and show him how to be responsible.  We continue to support our child.  We continue to learn what makes him tick and what makes him succeed.

At midnight last night I dug out my ADHD pile of books (yea, real books on the subject.  I have many of them and I have read them all, marked in them so I can best help my child).  ADHD is not an excuse. It is our way of life ~ one I am very open about. If Espen had a leg missing, you would never question me when I tell you he can’t run very fast, but he can get there.  If he wore his glasses you would not question me when I say he can’t see that until he gets his glasses.  With ADHD everything becomes a question, an excuse and the assumption is that he is just a real bad kid and we are extremely bad parents.  Far from it.

Let me share some information with you....

“ADHD is a medical disorder in which a particular part of the brain - one responsible for self-management - isn’t functioning as well as it could.” - MINDFUL PARENTING FOR ADHD

“ADHD undermines the ability to sustain engagement, particularly with activities that require ongoing cognitive effort or long-term planning.” - MINDFUL PARENTING FOR ADHD

“Very simplistically, the ADHD brain craves to be stimulated, due to deficiencies or developmental issues.  That is why children are so easily distracted or appear to be hyperactive.  These are the ways the brain is attempting to get the stimulation it needs.” - RAISING BOYS WITH ADHD

When a situation, late in the evening, takes place, understand that his behavior will break down (sometimes rapidly) when the demands placed on him exceed his ability to complete it.  Understand he will feed into hyper energies and go to the next level because his ability to pull it back is slower than his ability to ramp it up.  Understand that I have already given him medication throughout the day and the late evenings are extreme to medicate for (and while I can do it, not exactly doctor recommended because of the other side effects).  Understand that he is not bad, he is impulsive.

Nothing hurts more than being completely open about our life and still feeling like ADHD is a shameful secret that can be beaten out of him, controlled with better discipline or just an excuse for a terrible child.  There is never a moment when we are not working on something with our child.  We work on accepting, including, understanding and being the best we can be ~ do you?

Today is a new day.  We have a fresh opportunity to try again.  It is the best any of us can ask for.

Mother's Day 2019

Happy Mother's Day.  To all the women taking care of a child or children.  In any capacity.  i SEE YOU.

I am so blessed and thankful this day every year.  Espen is adopted and on this day I always want to celebrate the brave woman who gave birth to him, loved him and entrusted me to be his forever parent.  For without her courage and generous trust, I would not be the mom to this incredible little boy. 

I am also super blessed to celebrate my own mom today.  She stayed home and was there for absolutely everything my sisters and I did.  Her gifts are plenty and her sacrifices for our needs did not go unnoticed.  She taught me to be the mom I am.  She supports my sisters and I still and loves our kids in hundreds of ways. 

Raising my beautiful son has taught me love and patience beyond what I thought I was capable.  He has taught me to laugh at the silly and accept some mess I did not know was going to be made.  Our journey has been full of weird and wonky and I would not trade a moment of it.  My heart is full of love for this one little boy. 

Being a mom has also brought me relationships with other women who have shared and taught and supported.  Being a mom teaches you so much about life.  Being mom is not about how many kids you have, how much money you spend on them, how many activities you can post on you social accounts.  Being a mom is caring for the little things, tending to a wound or hurt feeling, drying a tear and laughing at a joke that does not make sense.  Being a mom is sitting through one more rainy game, cleaning one more stained uniform, wiping up one more spill, finding one more dirty sock, one more late night leaning spelling words, one more book, one more thing before you can relax.  Being a mom is also learning to have grace and forgiveness with yourself when things go wrong.  It is asking for help when you are at your lowest.  It is saying you are sorry and showing your child even adults make mistakes and apologize.  Being mom is full time all the time no matter what the time.

Motherhood is a tribe of people.  All doing the best we can to raise amazing children.  All sacrificing and supporting so that these little people have the best we can offer. 

So Happy Mother's Day to the mom's in my tribe and to the moms everywhere who are doing the best they can... keep on... you do not go unrecognized. 

Allow it

When we decided to move from urban development and busy neighborhood to more rural community and secluded neighborhood, we did so with purpose and intent.  Does it make life that much more challenging when we want to get “to town” for sports or groceries ~ yes, absolutely.  Does it make our opportunities for things more narrow ~ yes, of course.  But the benefits, as we imagined, are numerous.

The weather is warming up and as it does, Espen finds ways to entertain and occupy himself.  He finds the mud hole (or actually created one), he maneuvers his kayak down to the creek, he drags a garden hose to the trampoline.  He tears up the field on a motorized gadget, he drags his ramps out and races his bike down the hill and jumps things.  I watch.  I put my frustration with what is about to become a giant mess aside and just watch.

Because while I like stepping outside to work in my garden or shop or sit on my porch and hear the quiet; we moved here for Espen’s benefit.  And the benefits are numerous for him.

But part of this is because I put my frustrations aside and allow it.  Yep.  I allow it.

I allow him to roll in the mud.  I have a spot I allow him to dig big holes (I had to make such a spot because there were holes all over the place).  I allow spin outs in the field.  I allow dirty clothes and muddy shoes.  I allow this wild adventure he is on to be absolutely dirty.

I allow it because I see the absolute and total joy and abandon on my child’s face. I allow it because he is drawn to the wet and sludgey sensations to center himself.  I allow it because he is outside playing in that mess instead of on an electronic device.  I allow it.  And I put my frustrations with the mess aside to the best of my ability.

This is by far the hardest part of parenting.  Because I have to let go of my weird controlling habits of keeping things clean and orderly.  My roll is to stimulate growth and joy in my child and help him learn to move through life being his best self.  My job is to allow him to explore and immerse himself in what brings him happiness. I allow it, but I also do my best to teach him how to clean up said messes.  Life is full of moments.... allow them and find ways to enjoy them.

Censored

In the nearly 10 years of telling our tale, yesterday a situation happened that kept me awake and frustrated me.  The blog and facebook have been a way for me to share our tales.  They are not always pretty, not always funny.  Sometimes people connect, sometimes it has helped me and others to feel less lonely and isolated in our journeys.

But yesterday.... I posted a hilarious situation.  I used the ACTUAL conversation because it was funny.  Identity was removed.  I also used 2 pictures.   I had no complaints and the situation involved a crazy thing my child did.  I was called and told to remove it.  That is correct; remove it.  I conceded on one picture that it should be removed, partial views of other children were there.  The conversation and other parts of the post were not harmful.

The conversation did not go well.  I was talked over so I got mad and frustrated and yelled.  In 10 years I have been scathing, used conversations and sometimes actually identified people.  I have commented about school issues (mind you this is our 3rd school), community issues, business issues.  The tales are oddly unique and not so much.  Not a single time has any one called me.  The person (who was not identified in the post) was not the caller.   Let me be clear however, the caller and I have had one other incident concerning social media posts.  At Christmas time, I questioned on a post why our school did not have a holiday program for my child to sing at.  I apparently got people excited.  I was emailed and told not to post school related things on social media unless I called and asked first.  This funny story about Espen is not in any way shape or form the same type of situation.

It bothered me all night.  I felt many things.  To begin with I felt like I have done something wrong.  This particular situation involved my child.  It was funny.  I was not upset or concerned about anyone or anything.  I have done nothing wrong.  It bothered me because I was specifically told/asked that if my posts involve anything school related, I need to ask permission.  Which I can assure you I will not be doing.  Questioning “authority”, bringing light to situations and informing people from my perspective is the point.  Sharing our journey and the tales, concerns and situations that go with it.  I was upset with feeling like I will never belong, that I am consistently under the bus, that by rocking the boat I in fact make things harder for my child.  It bothered me because the call made me so frustrated I got mad.  And then I cried.  And hated it here.  Yes that is correct.  I try and try and no matter what we do not belong, and perhaps with my big mouth, my years of experience, our family situation, we will never belong. So I cried some more.  

And this morning, with the first light of spring break shining upon us I deleted nearly everyone off my page who is associated with the school.  Not to be malicious but to protect the innocent teachers and staff who do not need to be in between my mouth and the job.  I deleted people who are “collectors” and just like to creep.  I deleted anyone who has not had a real conversation with me.  The fact of the matter is that I will say the exact words I write.  The fact is that I question everything, advocate hard and sometimes it means people get uncomfortable and mad.  I made some other changes and I will move on.  I made a resolve to keep posting things from our perspective.  I will be smarter about ensuring those I care most about are protected.  This is our tale.  You are welcome to join us and engage with us.  I accept that I may occasionally say or post something that makes people crazy, it is my post.  I accept there will probably be more calls and I will document that interaction at the request of my husband.  I will move on today... because I have life to live... it is spring break.

Doing nothing

My child comes home from school mentally exhausted and not in the mood to talk about school.  He stops in the laundry room and takes off every thing but his underwear.  He walks through the house and settles himself under a blanket on the floor with some mind dumbing video on. 

And you know what?  It is ok.  I have stressed and fretted for many months (maybe years) about this.  I have questioned experts on his lack of interest in "hashing" out his school day.  I have tried on every level to engage him about WHAT HAPPENED AT SCHOOL.  I have asked the whole variety of questions, please do not offer me any suggestions, I have literally checked out every book, blog and meme about good after school engagement questions.  He checks out.  Clocks off.  Shuts down.  He is not one to re tell countless tales about the entire day.  He does not share details about school events.  In fact he rarely shares anything. 

Right now it is ok.  He brings home his papers.  I can see what he is doing and where he is struggling.  I have a wide open door of communication with his teacher and have a fairly good idea what is going on.  We work on incomplete work at home and read with him.  I know some of his peers and on occasion ask those moms what they know.  I am actively engaged in different ways to keep up with what is happening at school. 

Will this work in the future?  Most likely not... but we will find a way to keep him on task and accountable.  We will cross that when we get to it. 

Do I stress about him being mostly naked and watching crap tv?  Not so much.  He helps when help is needed.  He puts his laundry in the basket.  He puts his towels away.  He picks up his toys. When I get home from "peopling" all day, I like a mental break and to sit quietly watching junk or reading a weird book.  He will disengage from the junk and re-engage with me when he is ready.  He will tell me tall tales which may be loosely based on fact about his day.  He will giggle and wiggle.  But every day after school, he needs a break. 

Maybe in my worries I overlooked the fact that doing nothing is healthy.  Doing nothing is a break for an active mind and body.  It lets his mind clear, his body relax.  Doing nothing prepares us for the next something.  In my worries I overlooked the fact that my child is working really hard to maintain good behavior (most days), understand and learn and follow social rules of play.  He is busy all day long and then many days after school we are engaged in some type of activity.  When he gets home he needs to do nothing, say nothing, answer nothing.  He needs to just do nothing. 

So right now, he is laying in his underpants on the floor in the play room watching a video.  As close to nothing as he can get!

THAT KID

I have THAT KID.  Yep.  That one who has anxiety about going to school.  That one who made and threw a paper airplane at the new teacher on “meet the teacher” night.  That one who got excited just last night.

I have THAT KID that on the first day behaves poorly and the teacher sends a text message.  Not once but twice.  I have that kid who is impulsive and easily manipulated because he is impulsive.  I have THAT kid who struggles with personal boundaries and empathy.  I have THAT KID.

I have THAT KID who put a starburst in a little girls hair and splashed a friend in the restroom ON THE FIRST DAY.  That kid who everyone will hear about tonight.  I have that one.

This kid that I love with all of my being.  He challenges me every single day to be a better parent and person.  Our struggles are very real.

The struggle is to get his medication just right so that he can slow down and think situations through. The struggle is to teach social appropriate behaviors.  The struggle to make quick decisions often goes wrong.  Today we may have had it wrong.  I have that kid who made the first day something other than amazing for others.  I have that kid who will be THAT KID that people know.

It makes me cry with frustration and sadness.  It makes our afternoon rocky at best.  On a day when parents are excited to hear about the day, I am anxious about hearing him tell me what happened and why.  And I am sad to hear him cry.  He wants to be able to make the best choices and be a good peer.  He just struggles to control his mind and body.

Taking responsibility for his behaviors is the important part of today.  The best and hardest way for us to enforce that is to make him write it.  So tonight I sit here waiting for him to write what he did today that he should not have done and 2 things he will do tomorrow that will be better choices.  He struggles through it. That kid... he still wants his peers to like him.  He wants his teacher to like him.  He wants to do well.  THIS kid is going to try.  And this mom is going to let him.

ADHD in our family, welcome to our journey

As I was laying in bed last night reading a totally non reality related book and thinking through our hard day, I thought there are people who are just joining our journey that do not know.  Don’t know how our journey got to be to this point.  Don’t know how exactly ADHD impacts us (and many others).  Don’t know how to just ask me.  

ADHD became apparent in our lives when Espen was little.  We had many failed play dates because of his physical abilities, crashing, lack of empathy, etc.  We started to withdraw from attempts to interact with peers because I got tired of seeing the hurt in my child.  

We lucked into finding a therapy center after a failed pediatric appointment.  The therapy center identified Espen as having sensory processing disorder (SPD). In short, SPD is a condition in which all of the senses do not process into adequate responses.  For example, Espen may have gotten to close to a child, the child fell and cried, Espen laughed because he did not comprehend pain, empathy, close body proximity.  In a classroom the teacher hangs all the pretty colorful art off the ceiling, the air moves that art causing constant motion, Espen can not concentrate because he can not block out the constant motion of the art.  These are just simple examples that impact Espen.  SPD encompasses all the senses and there are 8 of them.  A therapist once told me this.... “For Espen, and many others with SPD it equates to being the driver in a car with 3 friends.  The music is up, one in the back is jumping to the beat, the traffic is heavy, everyone is singing.  Suddenly there is a blizzard and the snow is so thick you can not see anything by white whipping past your car and the windshield wipers are on full blast.  There is ice on the road and you feel the car slipping.  Nothing shuts off and you just have to navigate through the noise, icy conditions and blinding white.”  It is like this all the time for him.  ALL THE TIME.  So he had therapy 2-4 times a week for a few years to manage the sensory needs.

He became school aged.  And we had epic failures until finally we arrived at a behavioral pediatrician who diagnosed Espen with not only SPD but also  ADHD, ODD, obsessive tendency and Aspergers (which now falls under Autism category).  Let me tell you about the ones I pay most attention to.... Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  It is a disorder impacting attention issues, inability to focus and impulsivity.  ODD is oppositional defiance disorder and for years I have not paid much attention to it but in short defiance and disobedience to authority, especially the one closest (lately I see it).  Obsessive tendencies are uncontrollable unwanted thoughts that causes anxiety and compulsive behaviors until the obsession is satiated.  It can be something material, internal or for us a date/activity.  

So we were diagnosed and the pediatrician recommended medication for ADHD. I fought it.  I wanted to try diet and behavior counseling.  We tried.  Basically it was more frustration and his behavior did not progress in positive ways.  One day the pediatrician told me his brain does NOT make the appropriate chemicals for control.  The meds are supplementing those chemicals so he can control his impulses, control his body and have ability to focus on tasks at hand and not be in 50 places mentally and physically at a time.  The doctor asked me if my child needed glasses would I just move him to the front of the room or would I get him glasses.  As much as I want to continue to fight medication, I have to put my issues aside and recognize what is in best interest of Espen.  

We did learn however that food is a big deal.  When we feed him healthy, preservative free food without any added colors he is much calmer.  Sugar is not the issue.  With or without sugar, Espen has impulse control and wiggle fidgets.  Food coloring is perhaps the absolute worst thing.  Quite a controversy but when my child has Red, Yellow or Blue food colored foods he becomes someone else.  When we give him a Dr Pepper (no color)he will calm down because the caffeine kicks him into calm instead of hyper.  Conversely, Mt Dew is the devils drink making the impulses worse and he becomes mean spirited because of the color.    Imagine my challenges in helping him be part of a social group and every snack includes a Gatorade and some delicious colorful snack.  Imagine every school party, every parent bringing lovely RED cupcakes or GREEN frosted cookies.  And they all want to “one up” the other and send goodie bags home with delicious colorful candies.  He just becomes a mean beast often so impulsive and “out of control” that he hits and cry’s irrationally.  Food matters.  Ingredients matter.  

Espen is now 9.  On most days his quirky odd behavior is just “Espen”.  Some days it is extremely manifested.  He is medicated, especially for activities and school.  I am human and I have forgotten.  It is OK to ask me, text me or just ask Espen.  He knows.  At home we give him med breaks.  Sensory issues greatly impact him.  Large groups of people, standing in lines, noise, movement, smells.  His attention and ability to focus are shortened.  He needs constant reminders and redirection.  When you glance out at a field and see Espen chewing his finger, it is because there are 100 other things bothering him and he is calming himself.  When he is in line and he pushes someone he is most likely having a hard time with how close people are to him.  When he can’t get his work done and complains about a smell, he smells it and he will not be able to concentrate on anything.  There are hundreds of examples I could give.  

Over the years I have amassed an impressive collection of books on the subject (see attached photo... this is our ADHD collection).  I have read all or part of them.  Most have notes scribbled on the sides. I am a parent expert I suppose.  I have to be.  And we are open.  Very open.  It used to be that this diagnosis was shameful.  It is less so now.  The debate of over diagnosing runs through communities and I stay out of it.   The fact for us is ADHD is a very real struggle.  It impacts all three of us.  We have late nights, early mornings, constant movement, strange conversations.  We have concerns and confusion and anxious fears.   We have sensory equipment at home and can provide it at school.  We are not bad parents who are raising a bad child (we have heard this).  We are parents doing our best to understand and guide this little boy and love him unconditionally through all the good and bad moments.  We are parents learning every day about him and ADHD and we are all figuring out how it works and how to help.  And we will openly talk about it.  We will share what has worked and what has not.  We will do our best to educate those around us so that there is no shame and so that Espen can be who he is and participate with his peers.  

So if you are just joining our family here in Cashion Oklahoma, you now know.  I am open about talking about issues, concerns and behaviors.  I am not however going to accept judging comments and inability to accept my child because of ignorant notions.  Education and information help all of us, but especially my child as he navigates this world we live in.  Education helps your child also in accepting people with differences and acting as a good peer.   

Vanished

We are in the heart of summer.  We have done many fun activities and have stayed busy, but we have had our quiet down time of unscheduled "nothing" too.  It is not always super easy especially since I allow for NO MEDICATION days!  Those days allow his little body time to feel hungry, to rest as it will and to re-set.  They are not always the hardest days and I don't always stay home on those days.... we take it as we can allowing him to experience his world off medication.  It is not to say the wheels don't fly off.....

The hardest part of summer has been the disappearing.  Perhaps the worst in recent weeks was yesterday when he just totally disappeared when I was in the bathroom.  I heard him then I didn't.  I went to check and he was gone.  Just gone.  Vanished.  He was dressed in nothing but a bright yellow pair of underpants.  He had a bike I noted because one of them was missing (I take stock of the equipment right away).

Because it has happened so often I don't panic right away.  If you have never had a child disappear, congratulations... you do not know the panic it causes.  But don't judge me because it happens frequently.... this is how my child is built... he has done it since he was big enough to walk, in summer and winter, at home and at the store... each time is just as terrifying as the last.  It has been extremely better since we moved to the country and we just got complacent.

I call his name.  I walk around the outside of the house, I check the inside of the house.  I walk to the street and look around. Panic starts to set in.  Yesterday he was GONE.  There were people out and not one of them had seen a little boy with unruly hair in yellow underwear....  I was getting afraid.

I had no idea which way to go on the street, no idea.  He was just GONE.

And just as suddenly 15 minutes later, he was there.  Just back on the street, riding his bike, no concern at all.  I was angry.  Frustrated does not begin to describe me.  Livid perhaps.  Mostly just afraid, anxious and upset.  He parked his bike and looked straight at me and said "what did I do? I'm sorry I did not have a helmet on"..... SERIOUSLY child, a helmet is not the issue.  He had been 2 doors down, his bike had been with others so I overlooked it in my panic.  (Apparently they don't get concerned when my kid shows up in his underpants... nothing about us is surprising....)  I however was not in a good space.

How do you begin to get a child who is unafraid of people to understand that there are BAD people (or tricky or unkind or what ever word you want to use).  People who snatch children.  Maybe they drive by, maybe they are visiting a neighbor, maybe they live around our street... people who will abuse a child, take them away or worse.  How do you get him to understand that he should not just drive off in his underwear and trust that things are good?  How do you make a child who does not comprehend "asking permission" to ask before he goes anywhere?  How do you describe over and over that there are people who are just not good out there?  How do you make him understand that his mom must know where he is all the time so that I can keep him safe.... For the life of me I have yet to figure this one out....  And yet I remain hopeful.

Yesterday he saw me cry.  And he got yelled at.  His consequences are that he can't leave the driveway for the rest of the week on any of his riding stuff and no technology for 2 days - NONE.  That is not to say we are staying home for 2 days because we aren't...   It took me a long while to calm down and for the panic to subside.  My dreams were clouded with fear of loosing my little boy, of not being able to tell the police where he went, of the worst case.

Today is a new day... we get a fresh start... we can't hold on to what happened yesterday but we can gently remind him of the need to let his grown up know all the time where he is going.  We can try to train him to make an effort to get permission..... We try and keep on going.

Happy Mother's Day 2017

The blessing of a birthday.  The gift of motherhood.  They go hand in hand.  For me, the birth of my child and Mother's Day fall very close together.  Every year I am thankful for the opportunity to just be called MOM (MOMMY, MAMA, MOOOOOM ~ depends on the moment).  I breathe in each moment (and some of them are not pretty). 

 

Eight years ago a beautiful little boy entered this world.  Today, he is strong and courageous.  Talented and funny in so many ways.  He is ornery and mischievous and super curious about his world.  He is kind and generous.  He is just one cool kid.  And I am proud to be his mom.  Eight years ago I looked down on his little face just moments after he was born and my life changed.

My heart swelled with love for this tiny baby who entered our lives.  A love I had waited a long time for.  As I sat there in the hospital I knew I had been blessed with this precious life and I promised him no matter what I'd love and protect him to the best of my ability.  Not a day goes by without me telling him and showing him that he matters and I love him.  My heart also made room for his birth mom (and much later for his birth dad who we generally know nothing about).  I am so thankful every year for this generous woman.  Her ability to love this little boy and choose me to be his mom is the greatest kind of courage.

These eight years have been filled with tremendous joy and frustrating anxiety.  This endeavor called "parenthood" is not always a simple task.  Eight years ago I decided to let this little dude get where he needed when he needed.  I support, encourage, prompt and engage.  I provide opportunities and direction.  He is often free to explore, grow and attempt things as he desires.  Sometimes this has meant making really hard decisions so that he can be where he is emotionally, physically, educationally and mentally.  Sometimes it means just letting go and watching him manage on his own.  Eight years ago I vowed to just love this little boy ~ and love him I do.

If I had to offer three bits of parenting advice for adoptive parents it would be this... make room in your heart to always be thankful to the woman who gave birth to this child.  Secondly, let this child be a child ... let them grow and learn as their mind and body are ready to.  There is no box, no mold, no simple age... be present and with them where they are.  Lastly, enjoy the moments.  All the moments.  The good and the really ugly moments.  Because after 8 years I assure you I am both saddened at how quickly it has gone and happy to be part of it all.

At the end of my day you will find me snuggled on the couch with this little boy who still enjoys a snuggle.  And I am forever thankful to his birth mom for giving me this opportunity.

 Happy Mother's Day to my child's birth mom....
And Happy Birthday to him... may both of you have the future you are destined to have and may it be full of love and peace.

Little Germ Boy

Let me be very clear.... My kid is cool.  And he is relatively clean (he showers every single night before bed).

But every dam day I find my self saying things I never thought I would say.  I say them with gusto, conviction and often at the top of my lungs.  Things like "GET YOUR FOOT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH" or "stop picking your nose" or "FLUSH THE FREAKING TOILET" or "get your socks out of the living room" or "don't let the dog lick your mouth"......  I could go on, but you get the idea.
I am 100% certain that most of us have yelled at least that.
The real issue is that I actually have to keep saying it. Over and over.  How hard is it to keep your foot out of your mouth?  And can you really not remember to flush each and every time you go to the bathroom?  If you can't remember, WHY?  We have tissue, can you use one?  No, well hum....  your finger is really to big to get the job done.  Do you know you have a laundry basket and the dirty sweaty little socks should go in the basket so that they can be washed after the sweat dries and they stand up alone?  The dog eats poop.  The dog licks its own butt.  The dog has no business licking your face so push him away.  No it is not because he loves you that he is licking you....He probably smells your feet on your face because you were licking your foot....  just STOP.

The real issue is probably not that I actually say these things over and over... the issue is that your little body is a mess of nasty germs and still want me to hug and kiss you.  That is just disgusting. And yucky.

Don't get me wrong.  My child is super cool.  And I adore him.  And I still spend my fair share of time kissing on him when he tolerates it.  Imagine just how grossed out I can get if I think to long about it.  In essence I have just kissed the dogs butt when I kissed my child's cheek. In theory, I just plunged my face into the un-flushed toilet when I hugged my kid.  That nasty little sock I picked up is no cleaner than licking the bottom of my shoe.  Those fingers I insist on holding when we are crossing the street have been so far in a nose, on a foot and never washed that I might as well wallow in a pig sty while I eat my lunch.   Yea... pretty dang nasty to be a mom.

Kids are full of terrible filth.  They are built to withstand more germs than I can imagine.  They are flat out gross.  But we love them.  We tolerate those sticky little beings touching us.  We keep yelling the same things and requiring them to do the same things... flush, wash, pick, wash, etc.  They don't. One day... one day they will.  At least in my situation I hope one day he will!

So after you hug your kid... go wash.  (And for sure, after you hug mine... wash yourself)!

sick day

Today I sat on the couch and snuggled a very sick little boy.  Almost all day.  When we were not snuggled I was getting food for him.  A weird thing indeed.  On a sick day, when his body suddenly develops the ability to stay calm, we skip the medication.

The medication typically makes him not hungry or thirsty.  Getting him to eat or drink is often a task that requires the national guard.  He never feels hungry and rarely feels thirsty.  His weight is something we consistently monitor.

With a fever and feeling sick, he ate.  He ate healthy, substantial meals.  He grazed on chips and snacks.  He drank water and juice and milk.  I did not have to feed him or 'help' him use his fork.

I had a glimpse into what a typical day may be like.  It was strange to say the very least.  But the coolest part of the whole thing (not that it is cool, because my child is sick) is that he ate.  He ate and ate.  And for a parent who worries about the weight of the little man, I was tickled to see him consume so many calories!  I'd have to buy groceries more often if he ate like this every day ... what that would be like.....

And we all know one should feed a cold...

Holiday Exhaustion

I'm tried.  But eh who cares... we all are right!  I'm frazzled and anxious about finding myself careening headfirst into the HOLIDAY season.  But many are finding themselves feeling the same but for perhaps much different reasons.

It is not because we are broke or unable to travel or 'alone' this year.  It is not because I don't have a plan for gifting.  It is not because I am not eagerly anticipating a joyous season watching the magic on my child's face and feeling his excitement for all things festive... I love that.

This total exhaustion and dread started just after Halloween.  It is getting progressively worse.  And sadly, it is taking some of my joy from the season.  Honestly, I am just tired.  The issue is that Espen is sleeping less and less.  He is waking earlier and earlier and not going back to sleep.  Let me be very clear... this is not a typical extra half hour on either side of the night.  It is that he can be fighting bed time until 11pm and wide awake at 2:30am to NEVER go back to sleep again until we start the dreaded process all over again.

We have taken technology.  We have bribed.  We have yelled and snuggled.  We feed him eggs and protein in the middle of the sleeplessness.  We try early bed and later bed to see what might work. We keep active so he is physically tired.  We get fresh air, even in the cold.  We give him melatonin and warm milk.  We keep his room cool and his sheets clean.  We remove toys and distractions.  We have tried an alarm clock, a calendar and tricks.  We read books and dim lights.  We power on when he is awake at 2:30am and we go to school and work and we keep at it.  There are no days off because we are tired.  There are never naps.  There is not a lot of sugar or junk at our house.

As we creep past Thanksgiving and December hits, schedules at school get altered just ever so slightly to account for "fun stuff".  Days off for Thanksgiving followed by music concerts and classroom parties and fun activities as teachers prepare for time away from school!  We fit in family time and visits to Santa.  We wrap gifts and sing carols.  The excitement builds and he is boundless in his enthusiasm to embrace LIFE.

And even still as I tell you how TIRED I am and I know what to expect (a hellish nightmare of total exhaustion) I find myself eager to have him home for Thanksgiving.  We will go see a movie, visit with friends, light up our tree, eat to much, hike in the woods and play more than most!  I find myself looking up when Jolly Saint Nick arrives so I can plan on getting him in a clean outfit for a quick visit.  I hand him all the holiday catalogs and a marker so that he can be engaged in making circles.  I smile and oblige when he asks if we can make Christmas cookies for the neighbors and sing in a video for his Aunts.

I dread the endless days and nights of anxious excitement.  I sigh at the continued inability to help him understand time and days of the week.  I find ways to experience the season and put a safety bubble in place to minimize our holiday parties, festivities and decorations.  I visit with his teacher to help them put some systems in place to help him.  We experience the holidays in large ways and without much sleep so minimizing only helps a little!

So for the next month, if you don't hear much from me or I look tired or frazzled, just know it will pass and we will get sleep.... In January!  When life returns to schedules and is much less exciting!  For now, we enjoy what we do, we do it as a family and we are tired!

This is my normal.  I am thankful for my normal and that I can manage on little sleep.  I am thankful for the gifts my child brings to my life and the courage to expose him to this frenzied holiday season.

What the books don't tell you

At the age of 5, when I first learned, with relief, that my child has ADHD (and a host of other letters behind it that we just ignore right now) I gathered book after book and read it all.  I searched links and websites and gathered information and knowledge.  I needed to know some things.  I needed to know how to parent this little boy with these issues I was not informed about.  Now, nearly 3 years later, I have a fairly substantial library on the subject.  I would by no means call my self an expert on the topic, but yea... yea I am.

ADHD.... Like a four pronged beast is all about attention deficit hyperactivity disorder... so basically my child has trouble paying attention, keeping his attention and being attentive... he is hyper and active (no kidding ~ like all the time, non stop movement, crashing, wiggles, jitters) but to the extreme hyper, not just like he has had a few sips of my coffee... but legit hyper... and the disorder means that it grossly impacts his life, learning and ability to function within parameters as classified in the big DSM book.  We manage this all with meds and a lot of yelling and some healthy food... it is not perfect but really is anyone?

I have discovered however in my exhaustive research, that there are things that are not often in any book. Things not mentioned by pediatricians (generally speaking).  Not shared on websites (because some of it is so hard to talk about no one wants to be honest and talk about it).  There are things no one wants to talk about and things people will talk about but often don't because they are consumed with managing to survive.  These things are often the hardest, most frustrating and glorious.

Don't get me wrong... parenting is a hard job.  Every parent has days when the wheels fly off.  The crap hits and just keeps splattering.  When everyone is just a heap of raw nerves barely managing to get to the next breath.  This is our experience, and you are reading my blog... so read it or leave...

In my world, parenting this one child with this massive beast called ADHD is unique, exhausting, trying and rewarding.  We do not function on "normal" levels.... we are off the charts with energy levels and patience.  We operate on little sleep, wonky meals and freestyle events we just call LIFE. We fill our house with as many CANS and WILLS as we are able to because so often it is NO, DON'T, STOP.... Every single day is a brand new day for us... one we start with as much optimism as we can muster (no matter how much sleep we have had) and one we end with as much love as we have filled our heart with.  Believe me... our hearts are pretty darn full and we never hesitate to tell this little dude that.

Anyway... back to my long point... I had no idea... NONE... even from reading all the books and websites how hard it was going to be.  That there would be days and nights when we all wanted to just drive off alone.  Our parenting task is hugely different, (or so it seems in my sleep deprived mind) I wanted to share some things you may not garner from any literature.  Things that are real problems in a household with a child with ADHD...

You will be judged.  Period.  Your "wild" child will do something and people will judge you.  They will think you are terrible at parenting.  They will think you need to spank or punish or consider or do.    They will not want your child to engage or play with their child for a litany of reasons.  You will see it, hear it and know it.  Forget about it.  Move on.  Be the best parent to your child that you can be.  Find your tribe.  Those who will just accept as you are with no strings.  Support your child and just figuratively flip the bird to those that are going to judge. And for heavens sake... just keep taking your child, doing things with them.  Don't hide.

You will have the worst sleep patterns.  Up late, fighting sleep.  Easily awakened.  Able to stay up longer than a college student.  Even when sleep is awesome, there are hard nights.  Find what works, go with it but teach them how to behave when they are up long periods of time.  Learn to manage.  Force your child to manage with no naps.  Teach them what to do in the dead of night because sleep problems will just go with them.  Do what you think is best, change it when you have to.

Your ears and mind will hurt from non stop talking.  About everything and nothing. Yes, I understand all children talk.  There is not a volume control, and loud is generally the only level!  NON STOP.  Not only is there talking, but often a response is required.  Pay attention.  Sometimes in all that talk, they are really trying to tell you something important and figure out things.  

You will get used to movement.  Crashing, wiggling, running .. movement.  Even when it is a calm activity, there is always movement.  You will just accept that it is normal and the calm, still moments become alarming.  My house has become a jungle gym.  I don't freak or fret when he jumps from the couch to the floor or the foot stool.  I don't get mad when he races through the house at warp speed.  I'm not upset that instead of a nicely finished and furnished basement, we have 2 swings, concrete floor for chalk and paint drawings, toys and tents scattered everywhere.  Make the sensory needs work for your child... stop thinking life has to fit inside a "normal" box.  You are not in it anyway... Get used to the unrest.  You will enjoy those fleeting moments when a snuggle comes your way.  Those moments you will stop and totally enjoy!

You will play nearly ALL THE TIME.  Social skills are challenging at best (this you will read all about).  But what is often not shared is that because play is so important in building those skills your child will not know HOW to play.  Telling him to go play just leaves him blank.  For mine, an only child, he has no sibling to show him or play with him.  So instead of just telling him to play, we often play with him.  And of course if you try to multi task and get some laundry or supper cooked while playing, when you wander off, so does he which means play has been disrupted and now you are back to mindless running and jumping!  So we play...  Every single moment becomes one giant opportunity for learning or adjusting behavior.  It never stops.

Do not beat your head into a wall about time.  These little people have a really difficult grasp of time. Use a calendar to keep your self straight.  Give your child information about future events as they can manage it.  Be prepared for constant barrage of 'when' questions because a day or a month is about the same to them.  

Imagine how many figments of speech one uses in the course of a day.  How many times we use one word to mean something else.  Most children with ADHD are extremely literal... they take that word to mean what it means.  It is very challenging in understanding game play, social interactions and some simple tasks when the words are just a jumble of wonky meanings.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Because ADHD children are often extremely hyper, they are often also thrill seekers ... This is not necessarily in physical abilities (in our case indeed it is).  But also, they love to engage in utilizing bad words, bad gestures, crazy stunts, and tricks that are just flat out dangerous.  In trying to explain appropriate use or safety, children often have no ability to understand the consequence for engagement.  We minimize dangerous situations by creating the safest living environment we can and by just reminding constantly about natural consequences.

The hardest part of having a child like mine is in remembering to simply take care of the adults in the house.  Our role is non-stop and we fall exhausted into the bed, never knowing if we will sleep all night or not to just get by the next day.  We manage to survive most days just by a tiny thread.  So we have to work at remembering to take care of ourselves and each other.  Again let me remind you... find the tribe of people who GET IT.  Those who understand your kid, those who are cool if you show up with your pants on backwards and messy hair... find them.   Complain.  Cheer.  Support.  And love each other....

Holiday Exhaustion

I'm tried.  But eh who cares... we all are right!  I'm frazzled and anxious about finding myself careening headfirst into the HOLIDAY season.  But many are finding themselves feeling the same but for perhaps much different reasons.

It is not because we are broke or unable to travel or 'alone' this year.  It is not because I don't have a plan for gifting.  It is not because I am not eagerly anticipating a joyous season watching the magic on my child's face and feeling his excitement for all things festive... I love that.

This total exhaustion and dread started just after Halloween.  It is getting progressively worse.  And sadly, it is taking some of my joy from the season.  Honestly, I am just tired.  The issue is that Espen is sleeping less and less.  He is waking earlier and earlier and not going back to sleep.  Let me be very clear... this is not a typical extra half hour on either side of the night.  It is that he can be fighting bed time until 11pm and wide awake at 2:30am to NEVER go back to sleep again until we start the dreaded process all over again.

We have taken technology.  We have bribed.  We have yelled and snuggled.  We feed him eggs and protein in the middle of the sleeplessness.  We try early bed and later bed to see what might work. We keep active so he is physically tired.  We get fresh air, even in the cold.  We give him melatonin and warm milk.  We keep his room cool and his sheets clean.  We remove toys and distractions.  We have tried an alarm clock, a calendar and tricks.  We read books and dim lights.  We power on when he is awake at 2:30am and we go to school and work and we keep at it.  There are no days off because we are tired.  There are never naps.  There is not a lot of sugar or junk at our house.

As we creep past Thanksgiving and December hits, schedules at school get altered just ever so slightly to account for "fun stuff".  Days off for Thanksgiving followed by music concerts and classroom parties and fun activities as teachers prepare for time away from school!  We fit in family time and visits to Santa.  We wrap gifts and sing carols.  The excitement builds and he is boundless in his enthusiasm to embrace LIFE.

And even still as I tell you how TIRED I am and I know what to expect (a hellish nightmare of total exhaustion) I find myself eager to have him home for Thanksgiving.  We will go see a movie, visit with friends, light up our tree, eat to much, hike in the woods and play more than most!  I find myself looking up when Jolly Saint Nick arrives so I can plan on getting him in a clean outfit for a quick visit.  I hand him all the holiday catalogs and a marker so that he can be engaged in making circles.  I smile and oblige when he asks if we can make Christmas cookies for the neighbors and sing in a video for his Aunts.

I dread the endless days and nights of anxious excitement.  I sigh at the continued inability to help him understand time and days of the week.  I find ways to experience the season and put a safety bubble in place to minimize our holiday parties, festivities and decorations.  I visit with his teacher to help them put some systems in place to help him.  We experience the holidays in large ways and without much sleep so minimizing only helps a little!

So for the next month, if you don't hear much from me or I look tired or frazzled, just know it will pass and we will get sleep.... In January!  When life returns to schedules and is much less exciting!  For now, we enjoy what we do, we do it as a family and we are tired!

This is my normal.  I am thankful for my normal and that I can manage on little sleep.  I am thankful for the gifts my child brings to my life and the courage to expose him to this frenzied holiday season.

It is connected... but barely

We are approaching the "mid year" mark in our story.  November is a time that most welcome winter or a change of the season at least.  For the last 7 years it has marked the half birthday for my son and a time when I post a note & pics to his birth mom.

There are so many thoughts I have at this moment after reading an adoption story, the situation in our current political environment and speaking with a real human today I am overwhelmed with blessing, concern and conviction.  Bear with me as I try to bring them all together ...

The blessing is that our adoption story is amazing and Espen's birth mom is amazingly brave and strong.  I have said it repeatedly for over 7 years.  Nothing I can ever do compares to her act of selfless love when she gave me this beautiful little boy to raise.  And he is a blessing.  In all of his wiggly wild enthusiasm for life, he is never a burden.  He constantly teaches me how to let go and live fully in a different way than I had ever imagined.  He completes each of us in much different ways and our love for him just continues to grow.  While I am full of gratitude, not all adoptions go as ours did.  Today I was brought to tears by the story I read and the love an adoptive couple showed to a birth mom in encouraging her to do what was best for her and the baby she carried and loved. While they were supportive, their immediate family was less than and it made the situation hard.  It is not an easy decision and one few can fully appreciate.  I am blessed to have Espen's birth mom in my life and my prayer is she knows that.

I am raising a boy in a world of unjust and unrest.  I am raising my son to have respect for himself and others.  I am raising him in a world where we value materials more than life.  Where we communicate with technology more than personal interactions.  A world where nearly every move we make has potential to be caught on camera and recorded for life.  I am raising him in a world in which mistakes may haunt him.  Unfortunately, we are also faced with many more issues because of the color of his beautiful skin.  I am raising a son in a world in which his appearance before his actions may be the first thing someone reacts to and it may have terrible consequences.  I sit and watch all the debates.  I read political posts and commentary.  I am concerned and honestly afraid for all of us when we decide if it is better to elect a criminal or a sexist racist bigot.  It is a terrible decision and one we will all live with.  But no matter who runs our political system, I have the duty to behave and teach my son what matters.  I will pray that my concerns are never materialized.  And that what I impart onto him is enough.

This unrest in our world leads me to my last thoughts for today.  I volunteer at the school.  It was not easy to get to be a volunteer at this small school, but I was persistent.  While volunteering today I pondered why they are not asking for parent volunteers for an upcoming book fair.  I know there are parents that would give one or two hours for the fair when they may not be able to regularly.  I know there are new parents to the area who come from other schools like we did who are used to giving time.  I had a dialog with a great woman in which I stressed that there are many who may not be able to give financially (and frankly we are asked so often for money that we simply tire of being asked) but there are plenty of other ways we can give and one of them is of our time.  People would help if she asked.  I am positive of it.  I have first hand knowledge that many of the parents I speak with would give time when they were asked especially when other resources are limited.  I pointed out that my son sees me give my time and interact with people.  Through me, he is learning the importance of helping and giving your time.  He does not just see me give money.   There is value in human connection and being part of the school and community adds value to my life and that of my family. We should all be working at building those relationships, looking at people, connecting.

Because if we can connect with people, the unrest in the world may not be so terrible for all of us.  We may be able to make it to something better if we can connect.  We may see less skin tones and more human tones.  This is the world I am raising my blessing in.  One that I am navigating for both of us right now.  One I am going to do my part in so that he has the best possible path for his journey.
This month, when I send pictures and a note to his birth mom, I am going to tell her all about his connections and how much I adore being his mom and how cool his dad is.  And in this way my friends, there is a connection for my child to the wonderful woman who gave birth to him and to the woman who is raising him and to the world in which we live.

PEE AGAIN.... I am going to loose it...

Used to be a time when I blogged a lot about our 'poop experiences'. You can look back here and here and here and see a few of my tearful trials and pleas for anyone to compassionately understand.  I developed expert skills at cleaning random things from virtually everywhere.  We never ran out of duck tape to keep his diaper and pants on at nap/rest time and cleaning supplies to clean the endless string of messes.  My problems were much larger than any I had heard about or imagined and no one confessed to similar issues.

And now at age 7 I am at my most stressed wits end with curious issues.  I waver because it could be: "busy" boy and not making it;
flat out LAZY;
not able to feel things until to late;
freaked out by sounds;
or just plain testing my patience.

He has had a weird bout with accidents of late resulting in constant need for a spare pair.  We don't leave home without a second/third pair of pants.  Even when reminded and forced to bathroom, we have experienced accidents. They happen anywhere, at any time.  If I could get a handle on them, I would.

He neglects to flush the toilet.  He runs and refuses.  There is not a thing I can do about the sound a toilet makes when it flushes.  Public restrooms are often worse than our home.  He tries to be as far as possible when the "WOOOSH" of water happens.  And at home, he just leaves it.  As imagined, it is grossly annoying.  I can tolerate it IF he is making it in the toilet and I am not cleaning up a mess. Pick my battle so to speak.

I have discovered poop in the trash.  I have accidentally come upon wet pee saturated carpet in his closet (discovered it while searching for the horrible pee smell).  I have cleaned poop from the shower.  I have cleaned pee from the walls and floor and toilets.  Today I tossed a shower curtain and all the toys from the tub when I discovered he has been peeing in the shower in the mornings so he does not have to flush.

I have bribed.  Yelled.  Taken privileges.  I have cried.  Cleaned.  Found a way to get urine smells from my carpet and shower.  I am a professional cleaner of sorts.  I have been calm and compassionate and only developed a slight eye twitch.  I have hugged him even when he is a mess and told him I loved him but that I do not love pee.  We own "Everyone Poops" and "Bear in Underwear" ~ both encourage good bathroom habits.

I am at my wits end.  I have mentioned, complained and told the pediatrician and therapist.  We do not think it is a "plumbing" issue but more sensory, stubborn, curious....  After our latest incident, I have decided he will have to be monitored for a while in the restroom.  This of course made him really mad.  I have no other solutions.

The struggles are very real my friends.  I have a library of literature about sensory processing disorder, ADHD and behavioral issues and nothing touches on bathroom issues to the extent that I have questions and need answers.  The struggle goes beyond a battle of wills between knowing what he should do and actually doing it.  The struggles are never ending and deflating.

Today when my husband gets home, he will hear how I single-handedly scoured the bathroom from top to bottom, eliminated some toys from our household, calmly managed to get the truth from my child! So you see I am in fact an expert on cleaning urine from things.  I do it often and efficiently.  It is not a chore I relish.  If you come over, you will never know it and it is safe to sit anywhere.   And how is that for a Friday?  Just a regular day in "paradise"...

Back to school note to my son

My amazing son, you may not know the lengths I have traveled to get you here.  The sleepless nights and worried filled days.  The adult decisions I have had to make that I never thought I would think about.  I have paved the way as best as I can for you.  I have made every attempt to set you up for a successful year and now all I can do wait and help you along the way.

I pushed nearly every possible "must do" aside and let our summer just be time together and large fun.  I have traveled around town providing us with stimulating entertainment and the love and support of friends who accept you as you are.  There were meltdowns and tears and no one was bothered, just accepted us in the place we are in and you needed that.  We have been busy, there is but one thing on both of our "summer bucket lists" that is undone, and alas, I just do not have the energy or the funds to make that happen.  Summer we will always look forward to because we manage to live our lives to the fullest.

But now, love, we have had to prepare for school.  We must relinquish our days of sunny freedoms to the long days ahead full of learning and social norms.  I have taken you to the doctor and therapist for med checks and on going therapy.  I have given you a med break for weeks this summer and then continued with limited medication so that I could help you to gain weight.  Weight you desperately needed to gain.  I have fed your body and soul with healthy food and loving energy.  The last few nights, I have worked really diligently to get you back onto a sleep schedule so your little boy body is rested and ready. In this I am failing, you fight rest like a solider fights the enemy, to the death. But we have tried and that matters.  I have schlepped you along to the shoe store for new shoes and fought you on the price of a backpack.  I have washed and labeled all your sensory tools and fidgets so that you have them when and where you need them.

I have emailed introductions to the teacher, nurse and "team" so there are no surprises and you are greeted with readiness to help you succeed at this new school.  And we have visited more times than most so that you are comfortable finding the bathroom and classroom.  I have surrounded you with encouragement and introduced you to the people you will be spending your days with.

So now I just pray.  Pray that these people at this new school love you for you.  That they accept your challenges and help you find ways to adapt and grow.  Most importantly, I hope they help you learn and that you can like to learn.  It will not be easy but maybe there will be one thing you like to learn and we can build on that!  I pray they are tolerant and fair and when necessary, brave.  It takes bravery and courage to learn, question and communicate when you are an adult and we need them to have strength to do that for you and every child who may be different.  I pray they have the same compassion and humor your last teachers have had because we need that!

My prayer mostly is that they will find a way to reach you and teach you.  It is the hope all parents have.

Summer is over, it was enormously fun, but now the work starts....  your way is paved as best as I could get it.  And no matter what happens, I am here... I am here with love, support, enthusiastic encouragement, strength to get us through the rough patches, courage to stand up when you need me to, but most of all love.

**and now to put the list of things I have put off back on my plate... :)**

Early to rise.....

Imagine being sound asleep (like I am every morning) and hearing MOM, MOM.... .... MOOOOOOOMMMMMM....  Me dragging my self out of the bed ~ from dead sleep to dragging through the house.  Opening his bedroom door, rubbing sleep from my face, asking "what"... his simple and early reply "I am hungry and will you play with me"... 

DUDE... IT IS 6:45 IN THE MORNING.  "oh mom, did I wake you"... 

Imagine me doing a mental head slap.... 

Without fail, he wants 2 pieces of cinnamon toast and a banana shake.  Without fail he is eating before we are awake 20 minutes.  Without fail he is talking the entire time.  Asking me questions I am not awake enough to answer.  

This happens to me nearly every single morning.  Some few mornings I am shot with nerf darts, or sneaky man creeps up on me while I snooze or I hear large booming noises of a child jumping out of the bed and rolling through the house.  Any way he wakes me it is jarring.  And without fail he is asking for the same breakfast.  And he is ready to go.  

And my morning seamlessly goes into the day with loud volumes of silly needs.  Our day does not stop.  NEVER STOPS. 

I often lay in my bed at night and pray for a "normal" morning.  I hope for a child who sleeps in and wakes up easy, allowing me to ease into my day.  I envy those who have children who sleep soundly into the morning and then ease into their day.  I see children who softly wake, enjoy cartoons and leisurely breakfast... and I wish for that.  (Be thankful fellow moms who have easy mornings... ).  I am blessed instead every morning, like a shot gun start, to being INSTANTLY awakened and demanded to perform mom duties.  I am blessed to have a child who wakes up happy and hungry and ready to GO!  

As I lay down to sleep tonight, I am doing what I do every night... read and enjoy the quiet... and hope to sleep through the night, to awake in my own time! I lay here knowing  I better get to bed... It's going to be a staggering morning fixing cinnamon toast!! 

Early to bed... early to rise....

Miracle or Not

Today we are just nearly med free ~ 5mg of Focalin and some caffeine.  That is minimal compared to what we have been doing.

We got here after 2 very long terrible weeks.  We switched to a new ADHD medicine, started it May 27.  By May 28 I had contacted the doctor and he added more.  For the next 10 days we tried.  We tried really hard and tried to keep an open mind.  Our life was even harder than normally.

His impulses were all over.  He was unpredictable at best.  He was mean spirited and the line between impulses and just terrible behavior was blurred beyond recognition.  He nearly stopped eating.  He was sleeping about 4-6 hours a night.  It was taking Doug up to 3 hours a night to get Espen calm and asleep (it is a one man job and mommy never does it).  He was ON all the time.  I was having a hard time trusting when I took him some place we could handle it.  He was having terrible melt downs and I never saw them coming.  He was crashing into people and things.  He was chewing obsessively on his hands, toes and clothing (to destruction).  He was pulling out clumps of hair.  The safest place he has the most fun at, therapy, he was not managing and twice the therapist came out to tell me how rough and terrible it was for ONE HOUR.  It was extremely hard for me to pack the meds around with me in the heat.

We cried.  Complained.  Struggled.  Tried to "be cool" and normal.  Doug & I were tired and stressed.  We had very little time together because we were in constant management mode.... just managing one behavior after another.  Espen was OFF.  We could see he was tired and probably hungry.  He wanted to be good but nothing was lining up.

So I stopped.  Stopped giving him the medication.  It was the only thing we had changed (besides starting summer).  I eliminated the thing I suspected was the problem.

In 3 days he has had just 5 mg of Focalin and caffeine each day.  We have done very limited 'public' activities.  He is happy.  He has returned to sleeping 10-12 hours a night (which he desperately needs).  He is falling asleep within about 30 minutes.  He is not chewing on his hands, clothes or feet and the hair pulling has stopped.  He is impulsive but manageable.  I can predict how much time I have after giving him the 5 mg I have for grocery shopping or intense 'public' activities.   He has a giant appetite - one we have not seen for months.  He is mindful.

For a few days we are going to ride this out.  I am not going back to the medication that posed so many problems right now.  As we approach school time, we know we will need to boost him so that his mind can focus and his body and be still but I am not sure the new medication is the answer.

There is no miracle for ADHD.  There is no perfect solution that helps every day.  There are moments of perfection but those may be fleeting.  Often good moments are overlooked because we are so conditioned to manage bad behaviors and extreme impulsiveness.  We seek the answers from the professionals and pray it works.  There are no answers, with ADHD, there are only trials.  Each person responds differently.  Each medication interacts in each body uniquely.  We each have to make very hard impacting choices in regard to treating this wonky mental health issue ~ there are no right or wrong choices.  Medication in the most minimal sense while teaching and modeling good behaviors can only lead to success.... and a few hard days!