We belong no where and yet we belong everywhere

For days now I have been hyperventilating over this... We belong no where and yet we belong everywhere. 

Let me explain.

From early, I knew, deep in my "mom gut" that my child was just different.  Weird.  Wild.  Strange.  Curious.  Sensitive.  And for years, that's right, YEARS, I was advised to just let him be a boy, that I was to high strung, that it was all normal and since he was an only and adopted (there is that) I may not know what the early years are like.  We just never fit in or belonged with anyone, anywhere.  Well at age 3 we discovered he has sensory processing disorder.  OH JOY!  We had a name for some of his peculiar habits and we had some resources to help him!  Imagine my elation! 

But we still had problems and issues.  Concerns.  Behaviors that were startling and not typical I could not explain.  We could not do things that typical families can do ~ play dates, library visits, shopping, vacation.  We lived, we often joked, in a fortress because our home is chemical free (he eats things), locked down (he is a runner) and nothing ever gets moved (causes anxiety).  We were just not normal.  We did not belong.  Finally, he was enrolled in the Early Childhood Preschool through the public school and we were happy that someone may see his issues in a new way. 

The summer before kindergarten, we busted our family getting services.  We fired a pediatrician and found a new one.  He was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD.  We were struck with disbelief in the beginning but digested that information with relief because YES indeed that diagnosis explained much of our differences.  After several months of services and the very hard decision to medicate, some behaviors leveled off but there were still major issues.  Our pediatrician also diagnosed him with autism. 

Because of the 'system' he was tested at several places (we completed a crap ton of paperwork).  The school district does not recognize him on the spectrum, but because of education and behavior concerns he qualified for an IEP.  Yet we can see some of his peculiar habits and they can not be discounted.  He learns and behaves differently.  It is not an excuse, it is our reality.  It is still hard to belong. 

So back to my early statement.... We belong no where and yet we belong everywhere. 

He is learning to manage pretty well but there are triggers that drive him crazy and he just can't always find a way through it.  He plays and responds differently.  Crazy follows us like a bad stink and we sometimes walk away feeling like complete lunatics.  

The thing I mull over late at night is that we keep trying.  We keep doing our best.  We keep exposing him to situations and adventures.  Sometimes we fail and we take a break.  Sometimes we succeed!  We have made fantastic friends that just take the good and the bad.  We find groups that accept our particular level of wild and deal with us anyway.  We belong everywhere.  We found a village.  And that discovery takes its toll on mom.  It is constant work, education, communication and patience.  Yet my child needs to feel like he belongs... I keep on. 

I hope to inspire others.  I hope to share our story, our strengths and our journey.  Because raising a child with any special need is exhausting and trying.  It is full of appointments, meetings, paperwork, telling and re-telling.  There is a lot of tears and just as much laughter.  There are dark days and nights.  There is little sleep.  There is fear for your child and for yourself.  There are days you will not belong anywhere and then you will belong somewhere. Keep fighting... it will be worth it.