world of understanding

Our family struggles from a slew of different behaviors that are often extremely difficult.  We are not unique ~ many families have similar and harder struggles.  I choose to share our struggles.  The really hard ones, the funny ones and the CRAZY ones.  I share because it is important.  Important to me and to maybe just reducing the judging stares that come from many people still when my world is falling apart. 

Recently, a mom said "before I had kids with these problems, I was that one that judged bad behavior and wondered why the adults could not control the kid".... And I totally agreed.  Before Espen I was that woman too. 

I am now that mom that has a child who melts down.  I'm that mom who looks tired in yoga pants and running shoes (my child has always been a runner).  I'm that mom who is rushing through the store with a child in a hard hat and sunglasses dancing on the floor and shooting his imaginary gun at people.  I'm that mom shushing a non stop loud child so I can think straight.  I am that mom getting the curious glances and strange judging looks.  I am the mom with a child who is screaming about how I am hurting him when I hold his had because the feel of touch is grossly uncomfortable to him and the only word he can use to describe the level of discomfort is the hurt.  I promise I am not hurting him.  I am that mom.

I get it.  I have had my "ah-ha" moment.  Go ahead and look and judge us.  We are making it!

We are making it some days because I can keep one step of the wild and crazy with my own creative mind.  We make it because I some days don't care if I have on dirty pants and a mess of uncombed hair piled in a pony.  We make it because I don't sweat the stuff about dressing my kid in matching clothes or combing his hair.  We make it because we eat cold hot dogs, drink coffee and pile up  laundry for days on end.  We do alright even when the floor is covered with legos, the matchbox cars are lined up, the grass and sand are inside and the swim goggles are hanging in the shower.  We make it because I don't care if our shoes are muddy or there are crumbs in the bed.  We make it because I wrap my mind around living in a place that is different than what I imagine it to be. 

And that is the key.... I imagined I'd have a perfectly pristine little boy, who was smart and caring and funny.  Who loved school and his mom and who could play appropriately all the freaking time.  I imagined we would be social and do amazing fun things all the time and there would be little yelling, he would just get it.  I imagined I could go to the store with my family and shop or look and we would not have to rush out.  I imagined being able to eat at a restaurant or go on vacation with little issues.  I imagined I could have a clean house and a clean car and dress in clean clothes!  I imagined nights on the porch watching my child play. 

What I imagined is far far from my reality.  I wrap my mind each day around a different way to live.  I focus on the amaizing and entertaining and I just live a different way. But it is a decision I make every day.  It is a train of thought I have to have each waking moment.  It is a daily dose of accepting this life that is before me and not wishing for the other. 

While I openly share our journey, laughs and struggles it doesn't take away from the importance of it to us at this moment.   Our lives are a tornado of awe and wonder (some days we are just in awe that we make it through!).  I share because we still live in a world of silent stares and judging glances.  And for certain I want dump my burden of stress and fret out into the world and hope that the childless woman who sees me struggle in the store, gas station, drive thru, school line or where ever we are can just have a tiny bit of empathy for the situation.  It is far from normal ~ it is just the way we live.