Easier

It gets easier.  That is what I might tell a mom with a child that has behavioral issues.  Power on even when some days suck like nothing you have ever experienced.  It gets easier. 

(Or maybe it doesn't get any easier.... maybe I just got used to it and can accept it better). 

When Espen started preschool at a private school two days a week I was consistently the only mom to get talked to after school about my child's bad terrible naughty behaviors.  Believe me, the first 50 times it happened I was mortified.  Humiliated.  Embarrassed.  Sad.  So confused about what to do for my little boy.  I'd get him in the car and I'd cry the whole way home.  I'd question everything I did as a mom. 

Then we found some help.  We started getting help for a sensory processing disorder and it eased some of that stress because I could help him.  It did not help our isolation or desperate need to have people understand.  And even with therapy three times a week, we still struggled and parts were not right. 

When he started preschool at the public school in the specialized classroom it was the "perfect" situation and it was infrequent that I had a bad report.  How could I when there were 8 children and 4 adults?  But we still had some troubling days and situations.  Days I would still wonder and question.  Days I would cry and pray.  But it was easier.  Easier because all the children in that classroom had other needs and those moms just got it.  I was judged less harshly.  No one paid any mind to our bad days; they were managing their own bad days.  We however had to stop most "normal" play dates because he did not respond or react "normal" and it was extremely hard to make it work.  So while school was fine, social skills were not fine and we still struggled with the horrible judgments and lack of belonging. 

Now he is in public Kindergarten.  The teacher is the most amazing woman in the history of teaching.  My beautiful, wild, sensory motivated little man acts quickly before he thinks and often finds himself in the midst of some bad choices.  He struggles even with ongoing therapy and medication to help with ADHD.  He has bad days even with a plan in place to help him. 

Today was one such day.  And as I stood there waiting to chat with her I realized that it gets easier.  Easier to be THAT ONE MOM with THAT ONE KID.  Easier to look the other moms in the eye as I wait and silently dare them to go ahead and ask me what is the matter. Because most of the time I don't really know.  It gets easier to not be ashamed and humiliated because he just is not able to make it all day.  It gets easier to say "yes my child looks normal.... he is athletic and active.... but he has some special needs.... and those are often behavioral....."

It gets easier to know that all the moms hear about it because their children go home and tell on what happens at school.  Mine doesn't.  He says nothing.  I mean NOTHING.  It gets easier to just deal with it and move on.  It gets easier to just hold your head high and love your child no matter the weird circumstances.  It gets easier to talk about the issues. 

It gets easier.