SPD reminder to mommy

Just when I think I have it all down, that I am on top of the sensory ball so to speak, something happens and I have to pull out the books and read something or look to the internet for some "answers" or I just rant & sound like a lunatic.  And sometimes I cry.  Because I am upset that I can't figure it out and that I am hard on my child when I should have known. 

Tonight after a long day first at work then volunteering with the food co-op, I was on edge when we went for pizza.  After 45 minutes with a wiggling child who kept kicking me, was loud and just didn't listen I was ready to go.  Honestly felt badly because we were with some very kind folks and we were celebrating the "reading" accomplishments!  I tried to "manage" my child.  I tried and tried.  I even forced him to go to the restroom when we remembered he had not gone for a long time and he won't tell us when he has to go, he just doesn't know, feel it or care.  I reminded him repeatedly to talk softer, wiggle less and not jump around.  I held his hand when oddly he got super upset.  I moderated his behavior while trying to engage in meaningful conversations with others. 

We left and I cried.  I am that mom who sometimes feels like she is just not doing enough to figure it out.  That this little boy rules the house and he is naughty and not a sensory kid.  That all the things I hear all the time about how I am as a mom (be firmer, spank more, punish, take away.... )and how he is as a little boy (just a boy, typical, bad, naughty little thing) are simply true.  I cried. 

When I talked to Espen and asked him why he thought he was in trouble all evening his response ... "because mommy I was just wild and you don't like me".... Then I cried some more.  I hugged him, told him I loved him beyond measure and that I was just unhappy with how he behaved.  I assured him tomorrow was a new day... it is. 

Then Doug told me how I was missing it.  That the place we were at is loud.  Two TV's flashing mutely in the corners on different channels.  Telephones ringing constantly and people talking. No other diners but many people none the less. The sight, smell & sound of his friend being sick.   Lots of smells from the kitchen.  People coming in and out of the kitchen and door picking up orders.  Eleven people sitting together for one meal.  Lots of food, smells and sounds on and around the table.  I stopped to listen to him tell me what I was missing and I imagined all those things that I was not bothered by.  I am not bothered.  My little son is. 

We know his nose works overtime and he smells things I can't imagine.  We know his ears are acutely sensitive and he hears things said in normal tones across spaces.  We know he is over stimulated easily by the flashing TV.  We know he is attuned to the pitch of voices and ringing of phones and some are annoying to him.  Somehow I just didn't think about all these things because my insistence that he experience regular outings rings strong in me.  I want him to do the things other people do. 

As I sit here quietly looking at a sensory book and WebMD I am reminded that for my amazing little boy, the world is not what it is for me.  His responses are not sometimes what you would expect and sometimes I have to change the way I think.  And tomorrow when the dark circles appear under his eyes or he crawls in bed to snuggle tonight or holds his fuzzy bear longer than a typical day I be reminded that the evening of pizza with his pals is totally overwhelming to his senses.  I will be reminded that no matter how much I admonish him or remind him, when his senses start being overwhelmed, his responses don't always jive with my desires.  But try we must so that he can have these experiences and on a good day mommy won't be flustered from the start and we can do our best to find some coping skills.