At the age of 5, when I first learned, with relief, that my child has ADHD (and a host of other letters behind it that we just ignore right now) I gathered book after book and read it all. I searched links and websites and gathered information and knowledge. I needed to know some things. I needed to know how to parent this little boy with these issues I was not informed about. Now, nearly 3 years later, I have a fairly substantial library on the subject. I would by no means call my self an expert on the topic, but yea... yea I am.
ADHD.... Like a four pronged beast is all about attention deficit hyperactivity disorder... so basically my child has trouble paying attention, keeping his attention and being attentive... he is hyper and active (no kidding ~ like all the time, non stop movement, crashing, wiggles, jitters) but to the extreme hyper, not just like he has had a few sips of my coffee... but legit hyper... and the disorder means that it grossly impacts his life, learning and ability to function within parameters as classified in the big DSM book. We manage this all with meds and a lot of yelling and some healthy food... it is not perfect but really is anyone?
I have discovered however in my exhaustive research, that there are things that are not often in any book. Things not mentioned by pediatricians (generally speaking). Not shared on websites (because some of it is so hard to talk about no one wants to be honest and talk about it). There are things no one wants to talk about and things people will talk about but often don't because they are consumed with managing to survive. These things are often the hardest, most frustrating and glorious.
Don't get me wrong... parenting is a hard job. Every parent has days when the wheels fly off. The crap hits and just keeps splattering. When everyone is just a heap of raw nerves barely managing to get to the next breath. This is our experience, and you are reading my blog... so read it or leave...
In my world, parenting this one child with this massive beast called ADHD is unique, exhausting, trying and rewarding. We do not function on "normal" levels.... we are off the charts with energy levels and patience. We operate on little sleep, wonky meals and freestyle events we just call LIFE. We fill our house with as many CANS and WILLS as we are able to because so often it is NO, DON'T, STOP.... Every single day is a brand new day for us... one we start with as much optimism as we can muster (no matter how much sleep we have had) and one we end with as much love as we have filled our heart with. Believe me... our hearts are pretty darn full and we never hesitate to tell this little dude that.
Anyway... back to my long point... I had no idea... NONE... even from reading all the books and websites how hard it was going to be. That there would be days and nights when we all wanted to just drive off alone. Our parenting task is hugely different, (or so it seems in my sleep deprived mind) I wanted to share some things you may not garner from any literature. Things that are real problems in a household with a child with ADHD...
You will be judged. Period. Your "wild" child will do something and people will judge you. They will think you are terrible at parenting. They will think you need to spank or punish or consider or do. They will not want your child to engage or play with their child for a litany of reasons. You will see it, hear it and know it. Forget about it. Move on. Be the best parent to your child that you can be. Find your tribe. Those who will just accept as you are with no strings. Support your child and just figuratively flip the bird to those that are going to judge. And for heavens sake... just keep taking your child, doing things with them. Don't hide.
You will have the worst sleep patterns. Up late, fighting sleep. Easily awakened. Able to stay up longer than a college student. Even when sleep is awesome, there are hard nights. Find what works, go with it but teach them how to behave when they are up long periods of time. Learn to manage. Force your child to manage with no naps. Teach them what to do in the dead of night because sleep problems will just go with them. Do what you think is best, change it when you have to.
Your ears and mind will hurt from non stop talking. About everything and nothing. Yes, I understand all children talk. There is not a volume control, and loud is generally the only level! NON STOP. Not only is there talking, but often a response is required. Pay attention. Sometimes in all that talk, they are really trying to tell you something important and figure out things.
You will get used to movement. Crashing, wiggling, running .. movement. Even when it is a calm activity, there is always movement. You will just accept that it is normal and the calm, still moments become alarming. My house has become a jungle gym. I don't freak or fret when he jumps from the couch to the floor or the foot stool. I don't get mad when he races through the house at warp speed. I'm not upset that instead of a nicely finished and furnished basement, we have 2 swings, concrete floor for chalk and paint drawings, toys and tents scattered everywhere. Make the sensory needs work for your child... stop thinking life has to fit inside a "normal" box. You are not in it anyway... Get used to the unrest. You will enjoy those fleeting moments when a snuggle comes your way. Those moments you will stop and totally enjoy!
You will play nearly ALL THE TIME. Social skills are challenging at best (this you will read all about). But what is often not shared is that because play is so important in building those skills your child will not know HOW to play. Telling him to go play just leaves him blank. For mine, an only child, he has no sibling to show him or play with him. So instead of just telling him to play, we often play with him. And of course if you try to multi task and get some laundry or supper cooked while playing, when you wander off, so does he which means play has been disrupted and now you are back to mindless running and jumping! So we play... Every single moment becomes one giant opportunity for learning or adjusting behavior. It never stops.
Do not beat your head into a wall about time. These little people have a really difficult grasp of time. Use a calendar to keep your self straight. Give your child information about future events as they can manage it. Be prepared for constant barrage of 'when' questions because a day or a month is about the same to them.
Imagine how many figments of speech one uses in the course of a day. How many times we use one word to mean something else. Most children with ADHD are extremely literal... they take that word to mean what it means. It is very challenging in understanding game play, social interactions and some simple tasks when the words are just a jumble of wonky meanings. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Because ADHD children are often extremely hyper, they are often also thrill seekers ... This is not necessarily in physical abilities (in our case indeed it is). But also, they love to engage in utilizing bad words, bad gestures, crazy stunts, and tricks that are just flat out dangerous. In trying to explain appropriate use or safety, children often have no ability to understand the consequence for engagement. We minimize dangerous situations by creating the safest living environment we can and by just reminding constantly about natural consequences.
The hardest part of having a child like mine is in remembering to simply take care of the adults in the house. Our role is non-stop and we fall exhausted into the bed, never knowing if we will sleep all night or not to just get by the next day. We manage to survive most days just by a tiny thread. So we have to work at remembering to take care of ourselves and each other. Again let me remind you... find the tribe of people who GET IT. Those who understand your kid, those who are cool if you show up with your pants on backwards and messy hair... find them. Complain. Cheer. Support. And love each other....
