Allow it

When we decided to move from urban development and busy neighborhood to more rural community and secluded neighborhood, we did so with purpose and intent.  Does it make life that much more challenging when we want to get “to town” for sports or groceries ~ yes, absolutely.  Does it make our opportunities for things more narrow ~ yes, of course.  But the benefits, as we imagined, are numerous.

The weather is warming up and as it does, Espen finds ways to entertain and occupy himself.  He finds the mud hole (or actually created one), he maneuvers his kayak down to the creek, he drags a garden hose to the trampoline.  He tears up the field on a motorized gadget, he drags his ramps out and races his bike down the hill and jumps things.  I watch.  I put my frustration with what is about to become a giant mess aside and just watch.

Because while I like stepping outside to work in my garden or shop or sit on my porch and hear the quiet; we moved here for Espen’s benefit.  And the benefits are numerous for him.

But part of this is because I put my frustrations aside and allow it.  Yep.  I allow it.

I allow him to roll in the mud.  I have a spot I allow him to dig big holes (I had to make such a spot because there were holes all over the place).  I allow spin outs in the field.  I allow dirty clothes and muddy shoes.  I allow this wild adventure he is on to be absolutely dirty.

I allow it because I see the absolute and total joy and abandon on my child’s face. I allow it because he is drawn to the wet and sludgey sensations to center himself.  I allow it because he is outside playing in that mess instead of on an electronic device.  I allow it.  And I put my frustrations with the mess aside to the best of my ability.

This is by far the hardest part of parenting.  Because I have to let go of my weird controlling habits of keeping things clean and orderly.  My roll is to stimulate growth and joy in my child and help him learn to move through life being his best self.  My job is to allow him to explore and immerse himself in what brings him happiness. I allow it, but I also do my best to teach him how to clean up said messes.  Life is full of moments.... allow them and find ways to enjoy them.

Censored

In the nearly 10 years of telling our tale, yesterday a situation happened that kept me awake and frustrated me.  The blog and facebook have been a way for me to share our tales.  They are not always pretty, not always funny.  Sometimes people connect, sometimes it has helped me and others to feel less lonely and isolated in our journeys.

But yesterday.... I posted a hilarious situation.  I used the ACTUAL conversation because it was funny.  Identity was removed.  I also used 2 pictures.   I had no complaints and the situation involved a crazy thing my child did.  I was called and told to remove it.  That is correct; remove it.  I conceded on one picture that it should be removed, partial views of other children were there.  The conversation and other parts of the post were not harmful.

The conversation did not go well.  I was talked over so I got mad and frustrated and yelled.  In 10 years I have been scathing, used conversations and sometimes actually identified people.  I have commented about school issues (mind you this is our 3rd school), community issues, business issues.  The tales are oddly unique and not so much.  Not a single time has any one called me.  The person (who was not identified in the post) was not the caller.   Let me be clear however, the caller and I have had one other incident concerning social media posts.  At Christmas time, I questioned on a post why our school did not have a holiday program for my child to sing at.  I apparently got people excited.  I was emailed and told not to post school related things on social media unless I called and asked first.  This funny story about Espen is not in any way shape or form the same type of situation.

It bothered me all night.  I felt many things.  To begin with I felt like I have done something wrong.  This particular situation involved my child.  It was funny.  I was not upset or concerned about anyone or anything.  I have done nothing wrong.  It bothered me because I was specifically told/asked that if my posts involve anything school related, I need to ask permission.  Which I can assure you I will not be doing.  Questioning “authority”, bringing light to situations and informing people from my perspective is the point.  Sharing our journey and the tales, concerns and situations that go with it.  I was upset with feeling like I will never belong, that I am consistently under the bus, that by rocking the boat I in fact make things harder for my child.  It bothered me because the call made me so frustrated I got mad.  And then I cried.  And hated it here.  Yes that is correct.  I try and try and no matter what we do not belong, and perhaps with my big mouth, my years of experience, our family situation, we will never belong. So I cried some more.  

And this morning, with the first light of spring break shining upon us I deleted nearly everyone off my page who is associated with the school.  Not to be malicious but to protect the innocent teachers and staff who do not need to be in between my mouth and the job.  I deleted people who are “collectors” and just like to creep.  I deleted anyone who has not had a real conversation with me.  The fact of the matter is that I will say the exact words I write.  The fact is that I question everything, advocate hard and sometimes it means people get uncomfortable and mad.  I made some other changes and I will move on.  I made a resolve to keep posting things from our perspective.  I will be smarter about ensuring those I care most about are protected.  This is our tale.  You are welcome to join us and engage with us.  I accept that I may occasionally say or post something that makes people crazy, it is my post.  I accept there will probably be more calls and I will document that interaction at the request of my husband.  I will move on today... because I have life to live... it is spring break.

Doing nothing

My child comes home from school mentally exhausted and not in the mood to talk about school.  He stops in the laundry room and takes off every thing but his underwear.  He walks through the house and settles himself under a blanket on the floor with some mind dumbing video on. 

And you know what?  It is ok.  I have stressed and fretted for many months (maybe years) about this.  I have questioned experts on his lack of interest in "hashing" out his school day.  I have tried on every level to engage him about WHAT HAPPENED AT SCHOOL.  I have asked the whole variety of questions, please do not offer me any suggestions, I have literally checked out every book, blog and meme about good after school engagement questions.  He checks out.  Clocks off.  Shuts down.  He is not one to re tell countless tales about the entire day.  He does not share details about school events.  In fact he rarely shares anything. 

Right now it is ok.  He brings home his papers.  I can see what he is doing and where he is struggling.  I have a wide open door of communication with his teacher and have a fairly good idea what is going on.  We work on incomplete work at home and read with him.  I know some of his peers and on occasion ask those moms what they know.  I am actively engaged in different ways to keep up with what is happening at school. 

Will this work in the future?  Most likely not... but we will find a way to keep him on task and accountable.  We will cross that when we get to it. 

Do I stress about him being mostly naked and watching crap tv?  Not so much.  He helps when help is needed.  He puts his laundry in the basket.  He puts his towels away.  He picks up his toys. When I get home from "peopling" all day, I like a mental break and to sit quietly watching junk or reading a weird book.  He will disengage from the junk and re-engage with me when he is ready.  He will tell me tall tales which may be loosely based on fact about his day.  He will giggle and wiggle.  But every day after school, he needs a break. 

Maybe in my worries I overlooked the fact that doing nothing is healthy.  Doing nothing is a break for an active mind and body.  It lets his mind clear, his body relax.  Doing nothing prepares us for the next something.  In my worries I overlooked the fact that my child is working really hard to maintain good behavior (most days), understand and learn and follow social rules of play.  He is busy all day long and then many days after school we are engaged in some type of activity.  When he gets home he needs to do nothing, say nothing, answer nothing.  He needs to just do nothing. 

So right now, he is laying in his underpants on the floor in the play room watching a video.  As close to nothing as he can get!

THAT KID

I have THAT KID.  Yep.  That one who has anxiety about going to school.  That one who made and threw a paper airplane at the new teacher on “meet the teacher” night.  That one who got excited just last night.

I have THAT KID that on the first day behaves poorly and the teacher sends a text message.  Not once but twice.  I have that kid who is impulsive and easily manipulated because he is impulsive.  I have THAT kid who struggles with personal boundaries and empathy.  I have THAT KID.

I have THAT KID who put a starburst in a little girls hair and splashed a friend in the restroom ON THE FIRST DAY.  That kid who everyone will hear about tonight.  I have that one.

This kid that I love with all of my being.  He challenges me every single day to be a better parent and person.  Our struggles are very real.

The struggle is to get his medication just right so that he can slow down and think situations through. The struggle is to teach social appropriate behaviors.  The struggle to make quick decisions often goes wrong.  Today we may have had it wrong.  I have that kid who made the first day something other than amazing for others.  I have that kid who will be THAT KID that people know.

It makes me cry with frustration and sadness.  It makes our afternoon rocky at best.  On a day when parents are excited to hear about the day, I am anxious about hearing him tell me what happened and why.  And I am sad to hear him cry.  He wants to be able to make the best choices and be a good peer.  He just struggles to control his mind and body.

Taking responsibility for his behaviors is the important part of today.  The best and hardest way for us to enforce that is to make him write it.  So tonight I sit here waiting for him to write what he did today that he should not have done and 2 things he will do tomorrow that will be better choices.  He struggles through it. That kid... he still wants his peers to like him.  He wants his teacher to like him.  He wants to do well.  THIS kid is going to try.  And this mom is going to let him.

ADHD in our family, welcome to our journey

As I was laying in bed last night reading a totally non reality related book and thinking through our hard day, I thought there are people who are just joining our journey that do not know.  Don’t know how our journey got to be to this point.  Don’t know how exactly ADHD impacts us (and many others).  Don’t know how to just ask me.  

ADHD became apparent in our lives when Espen was little.  We had many failed play dates because of his physical abilities, crashing, lack of empathy, etc.  We started to withdraw from attempts to interact with peers because I got tired of seeing the hurt in my child.  

We lucked into finding a therapy center after a failed pediatric appointment.  The therapy center identified Espen as having sensory processing disorder (SPD). In short, SPD is a condition in which all of the senses do not process into adequate responses.  For example, Espen may have gotten to close to a child, the child fell and cried, Espen laughed because he did not comprehend pain, empathy, close body proximity.  In a classroom the teacher hangs all the pretty colorful art off the ceiling, the air moves that art causing constant motion, Espen can not concentrate because he can not block out the constant motion of the art.  These are just simple examples that impact Espen.  SPD encompasses all the senses and there are 8 of them.  A therapist once told me this.... “For Espen, and many others with SPD it equates to being the driver in a car with 3 friends.  The music is up, one in the back is jumping to the beat, the traffic is heavy, everyone is singing.  Suddenly there is a blizzard and the snow is so thick you can not see anything by white whipping past your car and the windshield wipers are on full blast.  There is ice on the road and you feel the car slipping.  Nothing shuts off and you just have to navigate through the noise, icy conditions and blinding white.”  It is like this all the time for him.  ALL THE TIME.  So he had therapy 2-4 times a week for a few years to manage the sensory needs.

He became school aged.  And we had epic failures until finally we arrived at a behavioral pediatrician who diagnosed Espen with not only SPD but also  ADHD, ODD, obsessive tendency and Aspergers (which now falls under Autism category).  Let me tell you about the ones I pay most attention to.... Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  It is a disorder impacting attention issues, inability to focus and impulsivity.  ODD is oppositional defiance disorder and for years I have not paid much attention to it but in short defiance and disobedience to authority, especially the one closest (lately I see it).  Obsessive tendencies are uncontrollable unwanted thoughts that causes anxiety and compulsive behaviors until the obsession is satiated.  It can be something material, internal or for us a date/activity.  

So we were diagnosed and the pediatrician recommended medication for ADHD. I fought it.  I wanted to try diet and behavior counseling.  We tried.  Basically it was more frustration and his behavior did not progress in positive ways.  One day the pediatrician told me his brain does NOT make the appropriate chemicals for control.  The meds are supplementing those chemicals so he can control his impulses, control his body and have ability to focus on tasks at hand and not be in 50 places mentally and physically at a time.  The doctor asked me if my child needed glasses would I just move him to the front of the room or would I get him glasses.  As much as I want to continue to fight medication, I have to put my issues aside and recognize what is in best interest of Espen.  

We did learn however that food is a big deal.  When we feed him healthy, preservative free food without any added colors he is much calmer.  Sugar is not the issue.  With or without sugar, Espen has impulse control and wiggle fidgets.  Food coloring is perhaps the absolute worst thing.  Quite a controversy but when my child has Red, Yellow or Blue food colored foods he becomes someone else.  When we give him a Dr Pepper (no color)he will calm down because the caffeine kicks him into calm instead of hyper.  Conversely, Mt Dew is the devils drink making the impulses worse and he becomes mean spirited because of the color.    Imagine my challenges in helping him be part of a social group and every snack includes a Gatorade and some delicious colorful snack.  Imagine every school party, every parent bringing lovely RED cupcakes or GREEN frosted cookies.  And they all want to “one up” the other and send goodie bags home with delicious colorful candies.  He just becomes a mean beast often so impulsive and “out of control” that he hits and cry’s irrationally.  Food matters.  Ingredients matter.  

Espen is now 9.  On most days his quirky odd behavior is just “Espen”.  Some days it is extremely manifested.  He is medicated, especially for activities and school.  I am human and I have forgotten.  It is OK to ask me, text me or just ask Espen.  He knows.  At home we give him med breaks.  Sensory issues greatly impact him.  Large groups of people, standing in lines, noise, movement, smells.  His attention and ability to focus are shortened.  He needs constant reminders and redirection.  When you glance out at a field and see Espen chewing his finger, it is because there are 100 other things bothering him and he is calming himself.  When he is in line and he pushes someone he is most likely having a hard time with how close people are to him.  When he can’t get his work done and complains about a smell, he smells it and he will not be able to concentrate on anything.  There are hundreds of examples I could give.  

Over the years I have amassed an impressive collection of books on the subject (see attached photo... this is our ADHD collection).  I have read all or part of them.  Most have notes scribbled on the sides. I am a parent expert I suppose.  I have to be.  And we are open.  Very open.  It used to be that this diagnosis was shameful.  It is less so now.  The debate of over diagnosing runs through communities and I stay out of it.   The fact for us is ADHD is a very real struggle.  It impacts all three of us.  We have late nights, early mornings, constant movement, strange conversations.  We have concerns and confusion and anxious fears.   We have sensory equipment at home and can provide it at school.  We are not bad parents who are raising a bad child (we have heard this).  We are parents doing our best to understand and guide this little boy and love him unconditionally through all the good and bad moments.  We are parents learning every day about him and ADHD and we are all figuring out how it works and how to help.  And we will openly talk about it.  We will share what has worked and what has not.  We will do our best to educate those around us so that there is no shame and so that Espen can be who he is and participate with his peers.  

So if you are just joining our family here in Cashion Oklahoma, you now know.  I am open about talking about issues, concerns and behaviors.  I am not however going to accept judging comments and inability to accept my child because of ignorant notions.  Education and information help all of us, but especially my child as he navigates this world we live in.  Education helps your child also in accepting people with differences and acting as a good peer.   

Vanished

We are in the heart of summer.  We have done many fun activities and have stayed busy, but we have had our quiet down time of unscheduled "nothing" too.  It is not always super easy especially since I allow for NO MEDICATION days!  Those days allow his little body time to feel hungry, to rest as it will and to re-set.  They are not always the hardest days and I don't always stay home on those days.... we take it as we can allowing him to experience his world off medication.  It is not to say the wheels don't fly off.....

The hardest part of summer has been the disappearing.  Perhaps the worst in recent weeks was yesterday when he just totally disappeared when I was in the bathroom.  I heard him then I didn't.  I went to check and he was gone.  Just gone.  Vanished.  He was dressed in nothing but a bright yellow pair of underpants.  He had a bike I noted because one of them was missing (I take stock of the equipment right away).

Because it has happened so often I don't panic right away.  If you have never had a child disappear, congratulations... you do not know the panic it causes.  But don't judge me because it happens frequently.... this is how my child is built... he has done it since he was big enough to walk, in summer and winter, at home and at the store... each time is just as terrifying as the last.  It has been extremely better since we moved to the country and we just got complacent.

I call his name.  I walk around the outside of the house, I check the inside of the house.  I walk to the street and look around. Panic starts to set in.  Yesterday he was GONE.  There were people out and not one of them had seen a little boy with unruly hair in yellow underwear....  I was getting afraid.

I had no idea which way to go on the street, no idea.  He was just GONE.

And just as suddenly 15 minutes later, he was there.  Just back on the street, riding his bike, no concern at all.  I was angry.  Frustrated does not begin to describe me.  Livid perhaps.  Mostly just afraid, anxious and upset.  He parked his bike and looked straight at me and said "what did I do? I'm sorry I did not have a helmet on"..... SERIOUSLY child, a helmet is not the issue.  He had been 2 doors down, his bike had been with others so I overlooked it in my panic.  (Apparently they don't get concerned when my kid shows up in his underpants... nothing about us is surprising....)  I however was not in a good space.

How do you begin to get a child who is unafraid of people to understand that there are BAD people (or tricky or unkind or what ever word you want to use).  People who snatch children.  Maybe they drive by, maybe they are visiting a neighbor, maybe they live around our street... people who will abuse a child, take them away or worse.  How do you get him to understand that he should not just drive off in his underwear and trust that things are good?  How do you make a child who does not comprehend "asking permission" to ask before he goes anywhere?  How do you describe over and over that there are people who are just not good out there?  How do you make him understand that his mom must know where he is all the time so that I can keep him safe.... For the life of me I have yet to figure this one out....  And yet I remain hopeful.

Yesterday he saw me cry.  And he got yelled at.  His consequences are that he can't leave the driveway for the rest of the week on any of his riding stuff and no technology for 2 days - NONE.  That is not to say we are staying home for 2 days because we aren't...   It took me a long while to calm down and for the panic to subside.  My dreams were clouded with fear of loosing my little boy, of not being able to tell the police where he went, of the worst case.

Today is a new day... we get a fresh start... we can't hold on to what happened yesterday but we can gently remind him of the need to let his grown up know all the time where he is going.  We can try to train him to make an effort to get permission..... We try and keep on going.

Happy Mother's Day 2017

The blessing of a birthday.  The gift of motherhood.  They go hand in hand.  For me, the birth of my child and Mother's Day fall very close together.  Every year I am thankful for the opportunity to just be called MOM (MOMMY, MAMA, MOOOOOM ~ depends on the moment).  I breathe in each moment (and some of them are not pretty). 

 

Eight years ago a beautiful little boy entered this world.  Today, he is strong and courageous.  Talented and funny in so many ways.  He is ornery and mischievous and super curious about his world.  He is kind and generous.  He is just one cool kid.  And I am proud to be his mom.  Eight years ago I looked down on his little face just moments after he was born and my life changed.

My heart swelled with love for this tiny baby who entered our lives.  A love I had waited a long time for.  As I sat there in the hospital I knew I had been blessed with this precious life and I promised him no matter what I'd love and protect him to the best of my ability.  Not a day goes by without me telling him and showing him that he matters and I love him.  My heart also made room for his birth mom (and much later for his birth dad who we generally know nothing about).  I am so thankful every year for this generous woman.  Her ability to love this little boy and choose me to be his mom is the greatest kind of courage.

These eight years have been filled with tremendous joy and frustrating anxiety.  This endeavor called "parenthood" is not always a simple task.  Eight years ago I decided to let this little dude get where he needed when he needed.  I support, encourage, prompt and engage.  I provide opportunities and direction.  He is often free to explore, grow and attempt things as he desires.  Sometimes this has meant making really hard decisions so that he can be where he is emotionally, physically, educationally and mentally.  Sometimes it means just letting go and watching him manage on his own.  Eight years ago I vowed to just love this little boy ~ and love him I do.

If I had to offer three bits of parenting advice for adoptive parents it would be this... make room in your heart to always be thankful to the woman who gave birth to this child.  Secondly, let this child be a child ... let them grow and learn as their mind and body are ready to.  There is no box, no mold, no simple age... be present and with them where they are.  Lastly, enjoy the moments.  All the moments.  The good and the really ugly moments.  Because after 8 years I assure you I am both saddened at how quickly it has gone and happy to be part of it all.

At the end of my day you will find me snuggled on the couch with this little boy who still enjoys a snuggle.  And I am forever thankful to his birth mom for giving me this opportunity.

 Happy Mother's Day to my child's birth mom....
And Happy Birthday to him... may both of you have the future you are destined to have and may it be full of love and peace.