Perfect Trampoline

Today I took Espen to an indoor trampoline place.  We got the whole package.... an hour of jumping, a laser maze trip and a rock wall challenge.

Indoor trampoline is loud.  It is dark with lights flashing and laser designs on the walls and trampolines.  There are children and adults all over happily bouncing.

It used to drive me NUTS taking him to this (or similar) places.  There were times I paid and we got in and he could not handle it.  Sometimes I lost money, sometimes they refunded me.  It drove me crazy how he jumped and ran about chasing the lights and focusing on things no other child was focused on.  I was grouchy when he "needed a break" because he was not really bouncing ~ why would he need a break!?  It would drive me crazy that he was not "doing it right".

What is RIGHT?

I had to let all that go.  He does it the way that feels good to him.  And it is OK that sometimes we don't make it.

Today he jumped and ran about wildly.  And I stayed in the same place and jumped, visited with other moms.  He danced ~ wildly and with careless happy abandon.  He chased the laser lights (tried to catch them over and over).  He interacted with me and knew I was where he had left me.  The other 50 or so people there were nearly invisible to him ~ he never interacted one bit with anyone else.  Strangely.  He was happy and found the way to bounce that pleased him.  He took breaks when he needed to and it was all just fine.

What is fascinating is that he can make adjustments to himself and his surroundings to "survive". He wanted to go jump today and knew it was going to be busy.  He has a super set of coping skills.  It is amazing to watch him.  He really pulls himself inside and does not take any heed of anyone else or he can't and he has to leave.

It has taken 6 years to get to this spot where I can be OK with whatever happens.  That is the hard part....  putting aside my expectations on what is RIGHT and the way we are supposed to behave.  To just let the moment happen as it needs to and give my child the opportunity to try and be ok when it may not work.  To support his needs as they come.  This is how he has the ability to manage the situation... because I have given him the space and opportunity but more importantly, because I have learned to be a different mom and put the high expectation for perfection aside.  The most beautiful thing is just having these moments with this amazing little boy.  And our times are absolutely amazing.

Play

Child centered play... Excuse me... Let me tell those of you who may not know about it WHAT it is...  In the most basic way it is allowing the child for a pre-set amount of time (10-20 minutes), to lead play, dialog and emotion with nothing but positive over the top praise from adult (caregiver).  There will be absolutely no suggestion or questions from the adult.  No guidance or direction from the adult. The child is in charge of the play.  The adult can positively praise, and expertly encourage (that is an amazing track, I love the way you put the blue one there).  The purpose is to immensely praise the child so that he seeks this positive interaction in hopes of curtailing negative behaviors.

It is crap.

In our house that crap does not work.

Here is how we played today.  We did shrinky dinks (remember those... they are cool).  He decided on his pattern and I traced it for him and cut it out then he was positively encouraged and colored it however he wanted.  We did 3 of them.  I praised.  We baked them.  They are cool.  And I encouraged, praised and agreed with him.

We played OUTSIDE.  It was 7 degrees outside with a blustery wind.  We played outside for nearly 3 stinking hours.  He wanted an igloo ~ I built one.  He wanted to sled ~ we sledded.  He wanted to throw snowballs ~ I nailed him.  He wanted to play tag ~ ok, I played tag.  I realized as we were playing tag how exhausted I was.  But play on.  He LOVES to be outside and I tolerate it as long as humanly possible ~ keeping a happy and encouraging disposition about me.

We played Legos.  He had a pile on a tile and told me I could only build a car using what he gave me and then when I was done, we would have a demolition fight with our cars.  So I built an amazing car out of crap legos.  All the while listening to his banter and chatter.  Never interjecting or discouraging.  Not offering any criticisms or suggestions.  I interact with him exactly as he wants me to.  And then it was demolished and I knew he loved it.

Each activity is child centered.  He has my undivided attention.  He is an only child.  It is not rational to think giving him these moments of total positive attention will eliminate the behavior meltdowns.  Playing this way does not teach him the give and take of relationships, the communication that needs to transpire when one interacts with another.  And this type of interaction he is REALLY good at!

The reality of it is that I play with him like this all the time.  I am really good at it.  It is easy to praise and love my child and it is much easier to play his way than to try to interject and get him to play my way or by the rules.  Because in the child centered way, he makes the rules and can change the rules ~ as long as he is acting appropriately I go along with his rules.

It is just crap I tell you... Not because I don't love playing with my child.  But child centered play will not help with the behavior meltdowns.  He melts down when his medication wears out.  He melts down when he is overwhelmed by some sensory stimulation.  He melts down when he is 6 and doesn't get HIS WAY.  I can look in his eye and know when we are reaching that point and no amount of child centered play will stop it.

Theoretically and in a clinical setting this type of play may work... for us.. in this house... we just play and mommy gives him all the praise he can handle.  And when the melt down happens we roll with it... It is not happening because he is seeking attention from me.

the day you were born

Since 1996, we have had a fancy tradition of putting a tiny framed photo on the tree each year.  When Espen was born, I started putting 2 on the tree; one of just him and one of our family.  These are not professional photos, but pictures of us just living as we do!  This year, Espen was helping and looking at all the photos.  He came across one that he paused a long time on ~ the day he was born.  Since he didn't say much, just hung it on the tree I did not say anything.  But I printed it for him.

We picked up that one photo and he held it for a long time.  His comments started cracking me up.... "Mom, you are wearing the same hoodie today and Dad has that same shirt".  "Why are you both crying and why is Dad so shiny?".  Then he got serious....

That he is adopted is not a secret.  We have lots of books we read at night about adoption and the special wish we had as parents.  We talk often about adoption and we celebrate special days.

So he had questions about the day he was born.  Most specifically if he came from my tummy.  No I explained, he was born from a super amazing woman's tummy and she is his birth mom, her name is Tia and she was brave and loved him so much that she wanted him to be part of our family.  To which he started chanting TIA TIA TIA oh MAMMA MIA... (yea he is a little boy who rhymes!).  I told him this picture was just moments after he was born and that I had always been his mom.  On the day he was born, our wishes were finally answered ~ and we are so lucky to have each other. Holding that picture he finally said mom "It's a good thing we have each other I love you"... Uh Huh... I had to hide my tears... he is a smart and bright little man.  Then he said since I have that hoodie, Dad has that shirt and he has that blue hat we should all dress like this and take a new picture.  HAHAHA

I am certain as he gets older he will have more questions and I will have answers.  It is just a moment in the day.

Continuing on our Journey....

The struggles and joys are real.  Really real.  For weeks I have given thought to the stories & situations I share. To this point, I have been open, honest and very very real.  The situations we face are not often typical.  Sometimes they are painful, embarrassing and just plain weird.  Sometimes the situations are hilarious and heart warming.  Often I am writing because I need to just get the grief, anger or frustration out of me and blogging is very calming.  Occasionally I hope to share a real life moment so that the mom out there who feels all alone just might stumble upon the blog and feel like "WOW I can relate" (because I was that mom and it really sucks).  Sometimes our life is just so outrageous I chuckle and know someone else will too.

I have pondered the privacy of our family and that of the people who may be involved and recognize the situations (although it is rare I would identify anyone).  I have chatted with my uber sensitive husband who has tolerated my blogging for 6 years now.  And for a couple weeks I have sat quietly.

I have decided at this moment in our lives, we continue on the course we are on.... we share.  We tell our journey.  Our story.  The struggles and the joy are real.  Very real.  Our family lives in a different way.  It is my belief that I am not causing harm or humiliation to my child or my family.  I share the real life events.  I can not expect people to understand all of what we experience but the quiet whispers and judging stares bother me less if I do my best to share our journey.  I can not expect people to know about sensory processing, ADHD, medication, ODD or any of the issues if I don't do my best to tell them what life with this is like... and it is not always pretty or easy.

I can commit to keeping it real and honest.  I can tell you sometimes I will vent in anger and frustration.  Sometimes the hilarity will bring tears to your eyes and you will wonder how we function.  Sometimes you will just want to hug me when I pass by.  And then there will be times when you go home to your quiet, typical home and are just thankful.

The love I have for my child is immense.  I would not trade him or any part of him.  The story we share is ours and we invite you to join us.